Friday, 13 September 2013

Three Referees (2013)

Shayne: I need to check the grounding for this try please.
Jason: I'm sorry?
Shayne: I want you to check the grounding.
Jason: I didn't quite catch it.
Shayne: I want to check the grounding for a try.
Jason: Ah, um, er, hang on just one moment Shayne, I'll just switch the radio off. [He switches it on; music blaring]Right, now what was it again?
Shayne: What?
Jason: What was it again?
Shayne: I can't hear.
Jason: What?
Shayne: The radio's too loud!
Jason: Yes, very nice, isn't it.
Shayne: Turn off the radio!
Jason: Pardon? I'm sorry, I don't think my hearing aid's working properly. I've only had it a couple of days. Hang on. [He takes it off and adjusts it.] Yes, there we are, it's working now.
Shayne: Is it a try?
Jason: Gee I’m not sure he’s got that down, you should probably send it up here?
Shayne: I have!
Jason: No, no, there’s definitely some doubt there.
Shayne: Can you hear me?
Jason: What?
Shayne: CAN. YOU. HEAR. ME!
Jason: Oh! Penalty try!
Shayne: What?
Jason: You want to award a penalty try.
Shayne: No.
Jason: Oh, well I'll get Alan then, he deals with penalty tries. I only do the basic stuff.
[Alan enters through the door with his arms outstretched feeling for objects]
Alan: [looking at Jason] you want to award a penalty try do you?
Jason: What?
Alan: You want to award a penalty try do you?
Jason: I can't hear what you're saying, Alan.
Alan: I think you need a scrum differential penalty, not a penalty try.
Shayne: No, I want you to check the grounding!
Alan: Who said that? Is there someone else in here?
Jason: What?
Alan: I think there's someone else in here.
Shayne: Yes. It's me. On your loudspeaker.
Alan: Ah! You wanted the penalty try did you?
Shayne: No, I want you to check the grounding for this try.
Alan: Ah, Jason will see to you about that. He'll be here in a minute. [to Jason] Now, you wanted the penalty try, did you?
Jason: Er, What?
Alan: Penalty try?
Jason: Er, I don't understand, Alan. I’m Jason.
Alan: Why didn't you say you were Jason? You know my lenses play up sometimes.
Jason: What?
Alan: [to Shayne] Ah, I do apologise most sincerely for the inconvenience Shayne. Now, you were after a penalty try were you?
Shayne: No, I wanted to have the grounding checked for this try.
Alan: Jason will deal with you, Shayne. I'm dealing with this penalty try over here.
Shayne: Now, Jason, please check the grounding for this try.
Jason: Pardon? I'm sorry, look, I'm worried about Alan. I think he thinks there’s a penalty try.
Shayne: Well, hadn’t you better go and tell him there isn’t?
Jason: No, no, I'd better go and tell him there isn’t a penalty try. [To Alan] Er, Alan!
Alan: Ah, there you are. I thought I'd lost you.
Jason: Er, no, Alan, there’s no penalty try.
Alan: Well, who asked me to check for one then? Don't be silly, let’s have a look at this penalty try.
Jason: What? No, Alan, I’m Jason.
Alan: Why didn't you say you were Jason?
Jason: [looking at his watch] Almost half-time.
Alan: Ah, sorry. [To Shayne] Now then let’s check your penalty try.
Shayne: No, I wanted to check the grounding of this try!
Alan: Ah. [turns to Jason] So you want to award a penalty try?
Shayne: I just want someone to check the grounding of the ball!
Alan: Ah, er, Jason! There are two referee’s here that would like you to check the grounding of the ball for their two tries!
Jason: What? I can't hear you, Alan, I think it must be my hearing aid. Hang on a moment. [He adjusts it.] Aaaah! Too loud, it hurts! [He hits the side of his head repeatedly.] Ah, that's better. Wait a moment, I've knocked my contacts out. [He begins searching on the floor]
Shayne: Please, for the love of all that’s sacred, can someone check the grounding of this try. Please!
Alan: Three tries now Jason. Boy it’s busy out there today.
Jason: Got it!
Alan: [to Shayne] Jason says it’s a try.
Shayne: Thank you!
[Shayne awards try. Crowd boo’s as the replay appears showing the ball was clearly not grounded].

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