Roll Call (2007)

Teacher: Welcome to school everyone. Time for the roll call. First up, Anderson?
Anderson: Am I still here?
Teacher: Pardon?
Anderson: I’m not really here am I? I’m sure I sold my spot in this class.
Teacher: Who did you sell it to?
Anderson: Whoever was interested. I didn’t want it. I like selling things.
Teacher: How much did you sell it for?
Anderson: Who cares? The main thing is I sold it.
Teacher: Fair enough. Bellamy? Oh there you are, right up the front here as usual.
Bellamy: I did all of my homework sir
Teacher: That’s very good.
Bellamy: I also did all of my assignments for the year sir.
Teacher: Stop gloating, we all know you’re perfect. Next, Bennett?
Bennett: Mumble
Teacher: Was that Wayne?
Bennett: Maybe it was.
Teacher: I’ll take that as a yes. Brown? Where is Nathan Brown? Oh I see, he’s still in the sick bay. Cartwright? Where did he go?
Cartwright: Here I am, I was up the front there, but Hasler took my seat. Can I have it back now?
Hasler: No, get your own.
Cartwright: But that was my seat. I had to borrow this seat from Wayne.
Teacher: All right children, settle down.
Cartwright: I didn’t do anything.
Teacher: That explains why Hasler took your seat. Now, next is Cleary.
Cleary: Yeh, U’m stull here (holds up crossed fingers).
Teacher: You’re not from New Zealand, what’s with the accent?
Cleary: Ah need to kip on the good side of the fins and the minigmint over here.
Teacher: I don’t even know what you said then.
Cleary: I must be getting good at this kiwi accent.
Teacher: I got that though, needs more work Ivan. Next is Elliott?
Elliott: I’m there, I mean where. Oh sorry, I mean here. Next week I may be there though.
Teacher: Where?
Elliott: Who?
Teacher: What?
Elliott: Huh?
Teacher: Never mind. Folkes?
Folkes: I think I’m still here, I haven’t heard anything otherwise yet.
Teacher: I thought the principal was going to expel you after that incident with his cheque book and his daughter?
Folkes: That’s absolute nonsense. I haven’t heard of anything about that at all.
I can’t understand why people start ridiculous rumours like this for.
Teacher: Sorry. Hagan?
Hagan: Here.
Teacher: What are you doing sitting up here? Usually you sit over there behind that baby Kangaroo doll of yours. Where has that gone?
Hagan: I broke it.
Teacher: Oh ok. You need to be more careful with your favourite toys.
Hagan: I know, I got a new one and already it has a big crack on the bottom of it.
Teacher: (shakes head) Okay, is Hasler here?
Hasler: (Raises hand) here here here here here!
Teacher: okay okay, I got you Dessie. Henry?
Classroom: Who is he?
Henry: (in a very quiet voice) Here.
Teacher: (looks around room) Did anyone here that?
Classroom: I didn’t hear anything.
Henry: (In a less quiet voice) Here!
Teacher: Oh there you are, you’re a quiet little fella aren’t you?
Henry: Leave me alone please.
Teacher: Okay. Next, lets see, Murray?
Murray: I’m here….and here….I wish I wasn’t over here though, can I just stay over there?
Teacher: Yes, that’s fine. Okay next, Sheens?
Sheens: (throws a duster at the teacher) I’m not here (laughs)
Teacher: Where are you then Tim?
Sheens: (points at Bennett) that’s Sheens (giggles)
Teacher: No Tim, that’s Wayne.
Sheens: I farted (giggles again)
Teacher: At least you’re having fun. Smith? (Teacher looks up) Smith, get out from behind that cupboard.
Smith: Okay.
Teacher: Alright. Stuart?
Smith: Can I go back there now?
Teacher: Pardon?
Smith: Can I go back behind the cupboard? I don’t want people to see me.
Teacher: Oh alright. Stuart, are you here?
Stuart: I’m here!
Teacher: Oh so you are, been a while since I saw you this close to the front of the classroom. Taylor? Is that you behind that cupboard with Smith?
Taylor: No.
Teacher: Get out from there.
Taylor: I’m not in the room at all.
Teacher: You were here two months ago.
Taylor: I’m not here anymore. I’ll let you know when I’m back.
Teacher: But I know you’re there. What are you doing behind there with Smith?
Taylor: We’re discussing tactics.
Teacher: What sort of tactics?
Taylor: How to disappear most effectively.
Teacher: You’re going to need a bigger cupboard to hide behind to start with.
Smith: That’s a good idea, write that down Jason.

Code Of Conduct (2007)

Over the last several seasons, the National Rugby League has been investing a lot of time, money, effort and resources into educating its players on professional behaviour, on and off the field.

This has had a great effect, however there are still many deplorable off field incidents occurring. Because of this, the following code of conduct has been constructed and distributed to ALL players, with which they must abide by at ALL times.

The NRL believes the following code will ensure better behaviour by all its players and officials in all aspects of life, thus improving our games image.

Regards,
NRL Head Typist for David Gallop’s Secretary.

2007 #3 - NRL CODE OF CONDUCT

1.1 – If you are married, you are not permitted under any circumstance to involve yourself in any sexually promiscuous behaviour.

1.2 – This includes any sexually related conduct of any manner, whether public or private, whether consensual or not. If you are married, you must only participate in sexual activity with the person you are married to. If you wish to participate in such activities you must annul your marriage so as to conform with Rule 1.3

1.3 – If you are not in a relationship (this means that you are not married or engaged to be married), you are hereby allowed to participate in sexual behaviour with anyone of your choice, so long as they;
1.3.a. Give consent before any sexually related action takes place
1.3.b. Sign a waiver stating that under no circumstances, are they allowed to claim they were raped. This document has to be signed by the CEO of said club which player represents, at time of consent given.
1.3.c. Are willing to admit they were fully satisfied with their product, and fill out a short survey rating their experience (purely for marketing purposes, so that we can better improve the NRL product).

2.1 – If attending an establishment that supplies and provides alcohol for on-site consumption, you are hereby denied from the following;
2.1.a. Removing any garments covering your person.
2.1.b. Punching, biting, spitting, gouging, pushing, shouting, yelling, screaming, dancing, bragging, slapping, groping or touching anyone at all without previous consent in the form of the waiver described in Rule 1.3.b.
2.1.c. Flirting – unless you conform with Rule 1.3. and it’s Sub-Rules.
2.1.d. Passing out or expelling fluids in an unbecoming manner, whilst in view of the general public.
2.1.e. Be escorted out of said establishment by security for reasons they see fit in regards to your behaviour.

3.1 If you are a referee or an on field official of any stature, you are not permitted to participate in any form of fun in public or in private. We have worked very hard for many years to promote an image for all our on field officials as unpopular nerds. Any reports of you engaging in any promiscuous behaviour will be dealt with via immediate disciplinary action, which could see any offender being made to referee club Rugby Union games.

3.2 As a referee, you must hereby accept all verbal abuse hurled at you whether it be during a game or outside of the game, as you are unpopular nerds.

4.1 If you are approached by a reporter, you MUST always use the following answers to these (or similar) questions:

4.1.a. Q: Do you think you can win the Premiership?
A: We’re just taking it one game at a time.

4.1.b. Q: How is your injury coming along?
A: It’s coming along really well; I hope to be back for <very important game here>

4.1.c. Q: How do you feel about playing against <player you really hate>?
A: I have a lot of respect for <hated player>, he’s one of the toughest competitors out there and he always brings out the best in me.

4.1.d. Q: How does it feel to be awarded the <prestigious medal>?
A: This is really great; I never thought I’d ever win this. But I couldn’t have achieved it without my team mates, my family, the fans and <sponsor>. Thanks to all of you and to <sponsor>.

4.1.e. Q: Did you <insert criminal charge>?
A: No. I didn’t, I will not take any more questions on this matter, as it is being handled by the police.

As more behavioural misdemeanours arise, we shall continue to amend the rules here within.

Your assistance in abiding by this code of conduct will assist us in causing less negative headlines than the other Football codes.

Regards,
David Gallop’s Head Typewriter.

A Letter To A Disgruntled Player Manager (2006)

Dear Sir,

This is a letter notifying you of our findings at our most recent meeting regarding player managers.

As you were previously made aware, our meeting held on March 9 2006, was to reveal the findings of our investigation into the players you manage, the ways they have been paid, if the payments are correct and legitimate and most importantly, That the players wages did not exceed their contract and their clubs salary cap restrictions.

As you were also informed, this was not a solitary investigation. All player managers were investigated for the abovementioned reasons, as a means of trying to stop illegitmate payments to players as part of the contract.

Below are listed the findings of our investigation into your management. Now before there is an inquest, the committee asks that you respond in kind to this letter, so that you can explain the actions and/or reasons behind each instance. We feel that this may make us aware of any oversights on our behalf. It may also prevent any further action being taken.

You are the manager of seven NRL Players. These are the players payments that we investigated. Here are our findings.

Player #1 - Mark Gasnier (St.George-Illawarra Dragons, NSW, Australia)

We found that there were many suspicious payments made to Gasnier as part of his contract, and some which exceeded his contract. Those payments are listed below, would you be able to explain these payments and how they are relevant.

a) an undisclosed amount, which we roughly estimated to be in vicinity of $10,000 and $298,000 worth of ETA Barbecue Sauce.

b) there is an allowance in Mark's contract for 35 mobile phones per season. Why is this large amount of mobile phones neccessary?

c) there is a payment from some company called "Waratahs." Who are they? Also their payment of $400,000 is not part of Mark's contractual agreement.

Player #2 - Willie Mason (Canterbury Bulldogs, NSW, Australia)

We have kept this contract very quiet and very secure as there are some quite odd, and we believe borderline illegal, payments, allowances and gifts included into his contract that should never have been made.

As you may recall, we spoke to you at length several times to this contract, and we would like you to explain to us, fully, about how everything we have deemed illegitimate, is actually well within bounds of our laws.

Player #3 - Simon Woolford (Canberra Raiders)

There's just the one finding here. His contract was all correct, but after Round One he received $200,000 worth of Tissues, from Kleenex, which were added to his contract.

Player #4 - Justin Murphy (New Zealand Warriors)

We found he was getting paid. Please explain.

Player #5 - Andrew Johns (Newcastle Knights, NSW, Australia)

According to the receipts, there have been several visits to a local rhinoplasty clinic in Newcastle, not just by Andrew, but by several other people that you have signed for, however all these have been added to Johns' contract, rather oddly under the heading of 'incentives'.

Player #6 - Craig Gower (Penrith Panthers, NSW, Australia)

We have receipts here from Liquorland that are quite excessive, which are part of Craig's match bonus. However his contract states that his bonus was to be a payment into his nominated bank account.

Player #7 - Anthony Minichiello (Sydney Roosters, NSW, Australia)

This one come as a surprise, he's getting paid $6 million per game it seems according to your records, yet he still manages to fit well under the salary cap for the Sydney Roosters.


If you would be able to respond to this letter at your earliest convenience, we will be able to correct any discrepancies that may be visible immediately, with the prospect of avoiding any further investigations into these matters.

If you wish to contact us, you can email us at justgotothekitchen@yourhouse.com to which we will respond to your enquiry as hastily as possible.

We thank you for your time and efforts in helping us remain as one of the most organised, professional and well managed competitions in the world today.

Yours Sincerely

Mr P. Niss
The Honourable Secretary Tresaurer
NRL Player Manager Deshonking Committee

Big Night Out (2006)

Here it was, my first big night event as a first grader. I emphasise the night aspect, as day events are easy to do. All you have to do is wake up, go outside and be nice to someone, job done!

But these night gigs, you have to get invited to those. To get an invite, you have to do something really special. I've done a lot of special things in my time as a first grader. I've recently been involved in visiting hospitals to see sick kiddies. A lot of people remember the last time I did that, but for all the wrong reasons and have since felt it neccessary to have a go at me regularly for what happened.

I knew that those little kiddies where close to dying. And yes I was informed about their almost non-existant immune systems. That doesn't mean that what I did was callous, it was just a harmless sneeze. A sneeze never killed anyone did it?

It's not as though it was a malicious sneeze with intent to kill, I covered my nose and mouth with a blanket, as I didn't want to get any snot on my hand, you could catch a virus from that you know. It just so happened that the blanket belonged to one of those sick kids and he died of pnuemonia the next day.

The media went crazy over it, I don't know why really. The kid wanted to see me, as I was his favourite player. He knew he was going to die soon. Whats the big problem?

Anyway, it took one very memorable play for me to get invited to this prestigious event. Years of hard work and effort has finally paid off. I still remember the moment, it happened almost like it was in slow motion.

It was against the Dragons in our pre-season trial, Barrett had the ball, he'd been giving me a lot of lip all game. When he was put on the bench sixty-two minutes into the match, I walked over and just politely tapped him on the shoulder and said "I don't appreciate the language you used whilst speaking with me, however you have played well," and with that he seemingly fainted. I figured it was because he'd never received such kindness in a footy game before.

Anyway, the tribunal said there was clear evidence that the tap on the shoulder I gave Trent was actually a chair smashed over his head, and that I actually swore at him. I couldn't believe it, these people who don't know me from a bar of soap (they actually had been tested and all 7 of them thought I was a bar of Dove soap) are now calling me a liar.

So there I was, on my way to this big event. I was in a very new and flashy looking suit, I even dressed myself, I was so proud of me. There's cameras flashing, journalists are asking why I hit Trent with a chair, if any other kids have died. No one seems interested in my new tie at all.

I walk inside and sit at a table, awaiting the menu. I see a small old guy with a ponytail. I figure he's going to be taking my order. Turns out he's been organised by my club to accompany me for my meal tonight. How professional is that!

Boy did I get a surprise, no meal, no waiter, just a heap of pissed off people calling me a liar over this Barrett incident.

I told them again what happened, to which I was called a beligerent liar. Sounds impressive huh? So they played a video of this appalling incident where a football player has played his heart out for an hour, then while he is sitting down on the bench for a breather, this meathead turns up and smashes a chair over his head. I was shocked!

Turns out it was me, then it didn't seem so appalling, moreso, neccessary. The judge decided I should be suspended for two years and fined twenty grand. I politely stood up and said "I think thats a bit of an over reaction" before swearing a lot, picking up a chair and then being shot with a tranquiliser dart.

I think the game has gone soft.

An Idiots Guide To Supporting Your Team (2005)

Index

1- Getting Started
1.1 - Setting up
1.2 - What should I wear
1.3 - I’m ready to go, now what do I do?

2- At the Game
2.1 - Getting through those turnstile things
2.2 - Finding your seat
2.3 - Locating the food vendor and toilets
2.4 - Paying for food and drink.

3- During the Game
3.1 - What should I yell out?
3.2 - When is it best to call players “wankers”?
3.3 - Starting riots
3.4 - Swearing
3.5 - Leaving the ground

Chapter 1 - Getting Started

1.1 - Setting Up

So you’ve decided to attend a game of Rugby League. First, you must ensure that you know what team you support and where they are playing for the game you wish to attend. Once these details have been confirmed, it’s time for you to prepare yourself for the journey that lies ahead.

1.2 - What Should I Wear?

Apparel that works in unison with other like-minded supporters is a very common and traditional place to start. Be it a scarf, a polo shirt, or wearing the prized team jumper, all will be acceptable and see you fit in perfectly.

1.3 - I’m Ready To Go, Now What Do I Do?

Well, you know where and when your team is playing, all you have to do is get to the ground before the designated time it is due to start. If using public transport, allow an extra hour in your trip to get there, as it is reliably unreliable. If driving or other, then you will require knowledge of streets and road skills. Maps and common sense are your friends here.

Chapter 2 - At The Game

2.1 - Getting Through Those Turnstile Things

For men, the turnstile can be a painful enemy, what with those large steel things spinning around at groin level. Timing and patience is required to move through these devices pain free. Make sure it has stopped moving first, with a hand over your man area, be sure to move hurriedly through, but not too fast, or you could end up catching clothing or even tripping.

2.2 - Finding Your Seat

Now the fun begins! Your ticket has a seat number on it. It is your duty to walk along mindlessly, looking for any signs that will assist you in your quest for one chair amongst 20,000. Be sure to avoid the area you want to sit in, as it is the one place that your seat won’t be.

2.3 - Locating The Food Vendor And Toilets

You are going to get hungry and thirsty, so it’s important to note where the food and drink is situated in relation to your obscured seat. Toilets are easy to find, they are generally in front of a queue of a hundred men holding their groins.

2.4 - Paying For Food And Drink

This is done quite simply, either with credit card or cheque, because there’s no way you would bring THAT much cash to a game of footy.

Chapter 3 - During The Game

3.1 – What Should I Yell Out?

Originality is the key. If you can’t think of anything witty and scathing, just say something that you heard someone else say. Be sure to yell as loudly as possible. You want everyone to hear you.

3.2 - When Is It Best To Call Players “Wankers”?

Wait until a player makes a mistake. Everyone will be calling it out at once if you’re uncertain. Join in and you shan’t be lead astray.

3.3 - Starting Riots

When a decision has cost your team the match, and all your efforts (getting to the game, through the turnstile, paying for food and making it to the toilet) have been for nought, that’s when your frustration should be unleashed on the nearest rival fan.

3.4 - Swearing

Be sure to mix and match all four lettered expletives with each other as frequently as possible. Anything is acceptable, and at any time.

3.5 – Leaving The Ground

With any luck your rioting, swearing, abuse at food vendors for their exorbitant prices, violence displayed in the toilet queue, should be enough to have security escort you from the ground. Make as much commotion as possible; this will draw attention to you, making you more important to the fans than the game.

Vow to security that you will never to do it again.

Then do it all again next week.

What An Irrational Oversight (2005)

It must be stated that the NRL has done some many great things in its short existence, mainly getting the Australian Rugby League game combined again after the Superleague debacle.

However, I am about to address an oversight on behalf of the NRL, one that could cost the NRL unimaginable amounts of money and supporters.

Recent talks doing the rounds at NRL headquarters at present revolve around the new team they plan to introduce into next years competition. The settled upon three applicants, Gold Coast, Central Coast and another New Zealand franchise, with the Gold Coast looking like becoming the successful applicant.

Foolishly, the NRL ignored another bid, that was never made public, that could prove to be very costly for them. Through intensive research (for the purposes of strengthening my point here) and hard work (not on this subject, but I do work hard) I have gathered enough information and proof, which I shall now present to you.

The bid that the NRL hastily swept under the carpet was from the NSW country town of Humula. Humula, with a population of approximately 115 (dogs and cats included), and located 76 kms east of Wagga Wagga is in the large rural region of the Riverina/Southern Highlands.

They have …. facilities, such as a ground and a shed for players to change in. There is also a golf course located adjacent to the ground. Admission would be very affordable, as people have to supply their own seating.

Player wise, the team was willing to puchase some of the Riverina’s finest talents to represent them. The team would thrive off the players in the Group 9 competition that was played in that region, and not buying big name stars from already established clubs.

This plan was created to improve the image of the game in the country, because at present the premier winter sports in this area are AFL and Rugby Union. Declining interest in Rugby League would be halted and a wane in support for the other codes would begin.

All of the NSW rural communities would conglomerate at Humula every second weekend, watch their local players representing them in the big time, then at the end they would all remain at the ground for the post match celebrations, which would then become a B&S Ball, lasting a week.

The economy for Humula would begin booming, and the interest in Rugby League in the rural communities would once again rise. All in all, when you do the mathematics (I had to use an abacus to ensure the calculation was correct), there are more people in rural NSW than in any of the other three bids.

Rugby League is already prominent in those areas, moreso than in rural NSW. The Humula bid was about broadening the fan base of Rugby League in Australia, introducing many more new players to the game that generally remain unnoticed. The first graders in Country Rugby League work just as hard as those in the NRL yet receive nowhere near the same accolades or paypackets. It’s about time that situations such as these were evened out.

But in the NRL’s ignorance of such issues, they have decided to go with the quick easy money option instead of the long-term success they could generate, not to mention the increase in players and fans.

This mindset adopted by the powers that be at the NRL headquarters could see the steady decline of the game in other areas of the country that also receive little to no attention. If the game in Australia begins to die off, then our competition becomes weaker, and other codes, specifically Rugby Union, will continue growing until League becomes a sport where it is only televised in America on ESPN7.

For the sake of the game of Rugby League in Australia, the NRL needs to address the situation and consider the financial and long-term success that the Humula bid could bring to the game. Obviously the bid doesn’t look too brilliant physically, but financially it has some merits, but only if you look at it with an opinionated and biased perspective.

So come on NRL, stop being rational. The Humula Wheelbarrows are ready to compete in the NRL. All you have to do is upgrade the ground, it only needs seating, suitable dressing rooms, adequate food and drink stands, goalposts and parking. Come on NRL, get on the Humula Wheelbarrows bandwagon!

AndrewRLP vs NSWRL (2004)

AndrewRLP: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to tonight’s exclusive interview. Tonight I speak with someone who has had a long and tumultuous life. Beginning at birth back in 1908, up to their financial difficulties faced in 2002. NSWRL, welcome.

NSWRL: Pleasure.

AndrewRLP: Its been a long journey. We may as well ask the cliché questions first. Can you name a favourite moment?

NSWRL: Gee, so many great memories, the first games at Birchgrove Oval and Wentworth Park, Souths' supremacy in the early days, the Dragons side of the 1950’s, the Kangaroo tours. It’s definitely not an easy question and it wouldn’t be possible to name one moment. Just being alive after 97 years and to have all of these memories is the greatest gift anyone could have.

AndrewRLP: It begs the question though, any bad memories?

NSWRL: 1909 was a not too grand a time. Money was scarce and the debacle that was the 1909 final was a really poor way to round that year off. The year started out poorly enough when the Kangaroo tour ended up making no money, and many players couldn’t afford to come back home. I think it was pretty hard to sink lower than that.

AndrewRLP: In 97 years, you have seen many players, some great, some not so great. Do you have a favourite?

NSWRL: Oh, I could go on forever here! I was always a big fan of Dave Brown, Frank Burge, Dally Messenger, Reg Gasnier and in later days, Wally Lewis and even Andrew Johns. But if I were to choose one player, I find it hard to go past Clive Churchill. He truly was the little master and a once in a lifetime player.

AndrewRLP: Now we know you’ve had to make many changes in your time. Which do you feel has had the biggest impact?

NSWRL: I think the advent of limited tackles had a huge impact on how the game was played. Tactics that worked in the past became practically ineffective. The only other change that had a larger then expected change was the four-point try. The games became more about attack initially. With the majority of attention by teams on offensive game plans, it saw some high scores being posted, which eventually lead to an increase in defensive technique later on. That shaped and improved the game that we watch now in a major way.

AndrewRLP: You’ve always been considered as the consummate professional, but it seems to be more prominent in the previous 15 years than in any other era of the game. Your thoughts.

NSWRL: I have to agree. The players always used to have a job to provide the main income source for their families, whereas nowadays the players are doing their job when they take to the field. But, when professionalism steps up a gear, as does the amount of focus on money, and with that comes greed and loyalty starts to lose its place unfortunately.

AndrewRLP: And while we’re discussing the modern game, how hard was it to pull the final curtain on long standing clubs in 1998 and 1999?

NSWRL: That was possibly one of the hardest decisions to make personally. Those clubs, Balmain, Norths, Souths, Wests and St.George, as well as Newtown in 1983, all played a significant role in my rise in popularity in Australia. Those clubs were what made me what I am today and it was with heavy heart, and at the time, with great regret, that I ended the long and glorious history of those respective clubs.
But I was trying to do the best thing to ensure my prosperity and it was the last straw. I have managed to survive and my fans still remember those teams and honour them every week. That makes the pain much easier to deal with. To still be successful and strong is a true sign that although the decision was a tough one to make, and one that many fans disagreed with, it was the right decision in the end.

AndrewRLP: One final question, any plans for the future?

NSWRL: People love the tradition of the game. I’d love my 100th birthday to be reminiscent of my first year of existence. That would be tremendous.

AndrewRLP: NSWRL, thank you for your time, and good luck with your future endeavours.
Be sure to tune in next week when we discuss why we even bother with AFL in Australia. Bye for now.

Bar Footy (2004)

Many a drunken conversation is about bettering your fellow conversers previous comments. Drunken conversation related to sporting prowess is always one of great interest for me though.

As a barman for some years, there are many interesting thoughts shared: funny, smart, stupid, deep, unintelligible, mindless gibberish describes the majority of it. But one topic I always seemed fascinated by was the drunken Rugby League conversation.

Most of these conversations start at around 10.45pm on a Friday night after the patrons have finished critiquing the decisions by players and officials of the nights televised match on the television located in the bar area.

Considering these men all played amateur football, under different rules and when weight divisions were in place, not age groups, it seems to be slightly out of order for them to be commenting on an evolved version of the game they once played.

The drunken conversations start out with who played against the oldest people due to their weight. I always thought heavy kiddies meant they were overweight, but these men spoke as though they were 8 years old, 6 foot tall and 80 kilos of pure muscle, while all the people of the same age were at most, half the size.

Then come the amazing feats of strength, skill and speed.

“I remember making 60 tackles in 30 minutes one game!”

“I remember scooping the ball up in my own in-goal and racing the length of the field untouched to score under the sticks to win the Grand Final!”

“I remember scoring 7 tries in one game!”

Rolling my eyes at three drunk fat middle aged men talking like they were the greatest players alive, I pour them all another beer, knowing that the stories will undoubtedly get better.

“I played reserve grade when I was 15!”

“I scored 3 tries in my first ever game and got man of the match!”

“I almost got to play for a club in Sydney!”

And with that last comment, the stories pick up a notch. Not surprisingly the amount of alcohol consumed increases, as the amount of honesty decreases. ‘What the Hell, give ‘em more beer!’

“We used to play under the 8 tackle rule.”

For men who were reliving their youth and trying to sound young, to be reverting back to this comment always confused yet enlightened me. They forge on regardless.

“I was compared to that Longhands bloke who used to play for the Dragons.”

“The game today is soft, if those blokes had’ve been playing when I did they woulda got smashed!”

“They’re a bunch of wimps, I was twice the player half of those overpaid idiots will ever be!”

Then with a shaky outstretched hand clutching at the middle glass, the all take another mouthful of the amber fluid and continue hurtling down a memory lane that only exists in the bottom of a middie.

“I used to play alongside Arthur Beetson!”

“I remember having a fight with Les Cleal in reserves one year. I smashed him with two punches!”

Then the comparisons of manhood ensue, with the conversation going a long way off topic. Two hours, and many more beverages, later, the conversation comes back to the nights game which they had viewed. The armchair critics begin their spiel.

It’s also at this stage the speech begins to slur, and memory decides to go and take a leak, without its owner.

“I bet thoshe bloody refsh are being paid by clubsh. Shee shome of the decisions made tonight? They were a joke!”

Some incoherent mumbling ensues before the next comment of intellect.

“I reckon they’re bein’ bribed, we never had that problem when I played footy, refs always called it shtraight down th’ line, none of thish crap that went on tonight. It’s a joke!”

Invariably, the conversation then goes back to where it started, with many more reminiscing beginning with “back in my day” and more misunderstood swearing under the breath.

One thing I would like to see, and I know these drunken men would be up for it after a few ales, is a drunken game of league. Let us not worry about weight divisions. Let us not worry about age, size or injuries. These men speak with such enthusiasm about their talents, it’s hard to believe that they are mere mortals.

We can tape the game and after 80 minutes, go back to the bar, and with beer in hand, watch the game and see who really was honest.

Career Highlight (2004)

All his life ever since he was a kid, all he ever wanted was to play first grade for his favourite club.

He played all the junior games and was said to be ‘pretty good.’ And then when he is selected as a teenager to play representative football, he begins to think ‘my dream is coming true.’

After years of hard work and good performances, he gets a call to play footy for his beloved team. He meets all his new team mates, tries on his new footy jumper, pride oozing from his pores.

Sure, he’s only in reserve grade, but things are moving up. His first season he wanted to be in first grade, but by season end, he realised that he had a lot of work to do to get that far, but he was not discouraged.

After a few more seasons in reserve grade, he began thinking, ‘maybe I won’t get to play first grade.’ But he never gave up. Then, something freaky happens. Injuries and suspensions run riot through the first grade squad. Poor form of the remaining players has also contributed to many losses. The coach begins looking for alternatives to try and get a win on the board.

That’s when his phone rang, the first grade coach asks, “Can you play first grade this week?”

The ecstasy, the adulation felt is overwhelming. Finally, at the age of 21, his first grade career is about to take off. His childhood dream is now reality. He arrives at training with an air of confidence, full of enthusiasm, trying to make a good impression from the outset.

The anticipation of playing first grade becomes unbearable; the week seems to go so slowly. He feels like a child waiting for Christmas.

Finally, the big day is upon him. He awakes in his cheap, run down, messy apartment. He showers, turns on the television, grabs the newspaper, and sets himself down at his table. Flicking straight to the page that has the team line ups on it, he sees his name and smiles. This is his time now.

He had received phone calls all week long from friends, family, former team mates, and old coaches. Current team mates all congratulated him at training throughout the week. The encouragement from others had been unbelievable.

He gathered all his clothes, put them in his bag and made for the door. He got into his beat up second-hand car and set off down the road, in the direction of the life he always wanted.

In the car park at the ground, his car was allowed in the VIP parking area. It looked so out of place, but it all felt so right to him. He grabbed his bag off the back seat, slammed the door shut and headed for the ground entrance. He continued to receive more congratulations and support from the fans in the queue outside the ground, as he made his way through the player’s gate.

He sat through the lower grades, watching his old team-mates playing without him for the first time in many years. In the dressing room, the coach approached him, presenting him with his first grade jumper. He began to feel nervous, excited and overawed upon receiving the one thing he had longed. First grade glory.

Then, the team ran up the tunnel and out onto the ground. Wearing his new jumper, he was grinning like a child with a new bike. The crowd gave an almighty cheer.

The game was played at a seemingly frenetic pace. He was playing with enthusiasm, heart and passion. Eventually, the team scores an unlikely victory. The start of his first grade had just begun, or so it seemed.

Back in the dressing room, the coach congratulated him, as did his new team-mates.

He gets in his car and drives back home, satisfied, happy and unaware of the muscle pain obtained from the game.

He arrives for the next training session, and the first grade squad greet him. He was feeling like one of the big boys now. Then, to his horror, he sees the players who have been missing for the past few weeks. He tried not to think about it. Eventually the coach approached him and told him that he is back to reserves for the time being.

The next few seasons he continued being a consistent performer in the reserve grade, hope driving him, hope that he’ll get that phone call once again.