Big Night Out (2006)

Here it was, my first big night event as a first grader. I emphasise the night aspect, as day events are easy to do. All you have to do is wake up, go outside and be nice to someone, job done!

But these night gigs, you have to get invited to those. To get an invite, you have to do something really special. I've done a lot of special things in my time as a first grader. I've recently been involved in visiting hospitals to see sick kiddies. A lot of people remember the last time I did that, but for all the wrong reasons and have since felt it neccessary to have a go at me regularly for what happened.

I knew that those little kiddies where close to dying. And yes I was informed about their almost non-existant immune systems. That doesn't mean that what I did was callous, it was just a harmless sneeze. A sneeze never killed anyone did it?

It's not as though it was a malicious sneeze with intent to kill, I covered my nose and mouth with a blanket, as I didn't want to get any snot on my hand, you could catch a virus from that you know. It just so happened that the blanket belonged to one of those sick kids and he died of pnuemonia the next day.

The media went crazy over it, I don't know why really. The kid wanted to see me, as I was his favourite player. He knew he was going to die soon. Whats the big problem?

Anyway, it took one very memorable play for me to get invited to this prestigious event. Years of hard work and effort has finally paid off. I still remember the moment, it happened almost like it was in slow motion.

It was against the Dragons in our pre-season trial, Barrett had the ball, he'd been giving me a lot of lip all game. When he was put on the bench sixty-two minutes into the match, I walked over and just politely tapped him on the shoulder and said "I don't appreciate the language you used whilst speaking with me, however you have played well," and with that he seemingly fainted. I figured it was because he'd never received such kindness in a footy game before.

Anyway, the tribunal said there was clear evidence that the tap on the shoulder I gave Trent was actually a chair smashed over his head, and that I actually swore at him. I couldn't believe it, these people who don't know me from a bar of soap (they actually had been tested and all 7 of them thought I was a bar of Dove soap) are now calling me a liar.

So there I was, on my way to this big event. I was in a very new and flashy looking suit, I even dressed myself, I was so proud of me. There's cameras flashing, journalists are asking why I hit Trent with a chair, if any other kids have died. No one seems interested in my new tie at all.

I walk inside and sit at a table, awaiting the menu. I see a small old guy with a ponytail. I figure he's going to be taking my order. Turns out he's been organised by my club to accompany me for my meal tonight. How professional is that!

Boy did I get a surprise, no meal, no waiter, just a heap of pissed off people calling me a liar over this Barrett incident.

I told them again what happened, to which I was called a beligerent liar. Sounds impressive huh? So they played a video of this appalling incident where a football player has played his heart out for an hour, then while he is sitting down on the bench for a breather, this meathead turns up and smashes a chair over his head. I was shocked!

Turns out it was me, then it didn't seem so appalling, moreso, neccessary. The judge decided I should be suspended for two years and fined twenty grand. I politely stood up and said "I think thats a bit of an over reaction" before swearing a lot, picking up a chair and then being shot with a tranquiliser dart.

I think the game has gone soft.