Sunday, 7 August 2011

Roll Call (2007)

Teacher: Welcome to school everyone. Time for the roll call. First up, Anderson?
Anderson: Am I still here?
Teacher: Pardon?
Anderson: I’m not really here am I? I’m sure I sold my spot in this class.
Teacher: Who did you sell it to?
Anderson: Whoever was interested. I didn’t want it. I like selling things.
Teacher: How much did you sell it for?
Anderson: Who cares? The main thing is I sold it.
Teacher: Fair enough. Bellamy? Oh there you are, right up the front here as usual.
Bellamy: I did all of my homework sir
Teacher: That’s very good.
Bellamy: I also did all of my assignments for the year sir.
Teacher: Stop gloating, we all know you’re perfect. Next, Bennett?
Bennett: Mumble
Teacher: Was that Wayne?
Bennett: Maybe it was.
Teacher: I’ll take that as a yes. Brown? Where is Nathan Brown? Oh I see, he’s still in the sick bay. Cartwright? Where did he go?
Cartwright: Here I am, I was up the front there, but Hasler took my seat. Can I have it back now?
Hasler: No, get your own.
Cartwright: But that was my seat. I had to borrow this seat from Wayne.
Teacher: All right children, settle down.
Cartwright: I didn’t do anything.
Teacher: That explains why Hasler took your seat. Now, next is Cleary.
Cleary: Yeh, U’m stull here (holds up crossed fingers).
Teacher: You’re not from New Zealand, what’s with the accent?
Cleary: Ah need to kip on the good side of the fins and the minigmint over here.
Teacher: I don’t even know what you said then.
Cleary: I must be getting good at this kiwi accent.
Teacher: I got that though, needs more work Ivan. Next is Elliott?
Elliott: I’m there, I mean where. Oh sorry, I mean here. Next week I may be there though.
Teacher: Where?
Elliott: Who?
Teacher: What?
Elliott: Huh?
Teacher: Never mind. Folkes?
Folkes: I think I’m still here, I haven’t heard anything otherwise yet.
Teacher: I thought the principal was going to expel you after that incident with his cheque book and his daughter?
Folkes: That’s absolute nonsense. I haven’t heard of anything about that at all.
I can’t understand why people start ridiculous rumours like this for.
Teacher: Sorry. Hagan?
Hagan: Here.
Teacher: What are you doing sitting up here? Usually you sit over there behind that baby Kangaroo doll of yours. Where has that gone?
Hagan: I broke it.
Teacher: Oh ok. You need to be more careful with your favourite toys.
Hagan: I know, I got a new one and already it has a big crack on the bottom of it.
Teacher: (shakes head) Okay, is Hasler here?
Hasler: (Raises hand) here here here here here!
Teacher: okay okay, I got you Dessie. Henry?
Classroom: Who is he?
Henry: (in a very quiet voice) Here.
Teacher: (looks around room) Did anyone here that?
Classroom: I didn’t hear anything.
Henry: (In a less quiet voice) Here!
Teacher: Oh there you are, you’re a quiet little fella aren’t you?
Henry: Leave me alone please.
Teacher: Okay. Next, lets see, Murray?
Murray: I’m here….and here….I wish I wasn’t over here though, can I just stay over there?
Teacher: Yes, that’s fine. Okay next, Sheens?
Sheens: (throws a duster at the teacher) I’m not here (laughs)
Teacher: Where are you then Tim?
Sheens: (points at Bennett) that’s Sheens (giggles)
Teacher: No Tim, that’s Wayne.
Sheens: I farted (giggles again)
Teacher: At least you’re having fun. Smith? (Teacher looks up) Smith, get out from behind that cupboard.
Smith: Okay.
Teacher: Alright. Stuart?
Smith: Can I go back there now?
Teacher: Pardon?
Smith: Can I go back behind the cupboard? I don’t want people to see me.
Teacher: Oh alright. Stuart, are you here?
Stuart: I’m here!
Teacher: Oh so you are, been a while since I saw you this close to the front of the classroom. Taylor? Is that you behind that cupboard with Smith?
Taylor: No.
Teacher: Get out from there.
Taylor: I’m not in the room at all.
Teacher: You were here two months ago.
Taylor: I’m not here anymore. I’ll let you know when I’m back.
Teacher: But I know you’re there. What are you doing behind there with Smith?
Taylor: We’re discussing tactics.
Teacher: What sort of tactics?
Taylor: How to disappear most effectively.
Teacher: You’re going to need a bigger cupboard to hide behind to start with.
Smith: That’s a good idea, write that down Jason.

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