The Christmas Party (2014)

As the year winds down to its inevitable close, everyone is invited back to Uncle Dave’s place for a big Christmas party and to unwind.

Standing by the door chatting are Anthony, John, Steve, Matthew and Mick.

Price: I thought I had a safe job, I didn’t do anything.

Elliott: That was your downfall, doing nothing.

Griffin: That’s quite hypocritical coming from you Matt.

Elliott: Ah, but I’m a nice bloke you see. How else do you think I made it this far?

Potter: I’m a nice bloke too.

Cartwright: Grant doesn’t seem to like you.

Potter: Nobody does. *looks sadly to the floor*

Elliott: I like you Mick. Cheer up mate, I’ll get you another cordial.

Potter: Thanks Matty, you really are a nice bloke.

Griffin: I thought I had my job nailed down, I even made the finals. *Looks across the room at Wayne* But then HE wanted to come back!

Cartwright: I thought I had the system beat, I signed a 5 year contract. I thought it was foolproof. Turns out I was a fool and there was a clause about not having a fool as a coach. Damn!

Matthew returns with Mick’s drink

Elliott: There you go Mick.

Potter: This is a shoe. I wanted a drink.

Elliott: That’s right, now I remember. Sorry mate. I’ll fix this up. Now, who did I take that shoe off?

Peter is standing in the middle of the room, looking at his shoeless foot.

Elliott: Sorry Pete, here’s your shoe back mate.

Sharp: I don’t really want that shoe. I’m quite comfortable wearing one shoe.

Elliott: You can’t have one shoe on mate. Either put one shoe on, or take the other one off, make a choice.

Sharp: I can’t figure this out! It’s too hard!

Peter takes his remaining shoe off and leaves.

Standing by the Christmas tree are Jason, Wayne, Rick and Shane.

Taylor: Gee Wayne, how is it you always get the biggest present every year in the secret santa?

Stone: Because he takes the biggest present and swaps the names, so that he gets the one he wants.

Bennett: something inaudible

Flanagan: Open your present Wayne

Stone: Shane! Where have you been mate?

Flanagan: I had a bit of a mishap when I visited the doctor. Had to go into isolation for the year.

Stone: Crikey, that sounds bad!

Flanagan: Yeah, I was holed up in this isolation room in the basement, it was very dank. So happy to be out now though.

Wayne opens present. It’s a Doghouse, with a pet puppy inside.

Taylor: Crikey, what a great gift. But you’ve got two dogs now, the one Anthony bought for you last year and this one.

Bennett: I’ll get rid of the other one. I don’t really like it anyway. Do you want it Shane?

Flanagan: Absolutely!

Standing by himself in the middle of the room is Ricky, engrossed in a conversation with himself. No one dares interrupt him. Trent and Ivan are near the drinks, when Anthony arrives to get a refill.

Griffin: Hi Trent, how’s things?

Robinson: Yeah you know, not bad.

James jumps up behind them with a mask on

Shepherd: BOO!

Anthony, Ivan and Trent jump.

Cleary: I should’ve seen that coming

Ivan hears a booming voice from the heavens. It is Go(ul)d.

Go(ul)d: Do unto others before they do unto you.

Cleary: Yes oh wise one!

Ivan grabs a scary mask and then jumps behind the recovering Trent.

Cleary: BOO!

Robinson: ARRGH! Dammit, I’ve been got again!

The food table is circled by Des, Geoff, Craig and Michael

Maguire: Well I should get to choose what I want first, because I’m the best.

Hasler: You’re new here. You’ve got to wait your turn.

Maguire: But I got here before you!

Hasler: We’ve been here for years and deserve to be here before you, You’ve only just got here. We’ve been coming here for years now.

Bellamy: Are there any chicken wings to eat? I’m getting a bit tired of these entrée asparagus spears.

Toovey: There’s some chilli dip over there. It’s very hot though. I had a hot flush and lost my voice. I think someone tampered with it. Someone should look into that. It could hurt someone.

Standing on their own are Paul and Brad, having a little chat to one another about their first Christmas party at Uncle Dave’s.

Green: Shame this do is so far from home though. Dave probably built his house here intentionally to make it hard for me to come.

Arthur: How can you sit here and try and sympathise with me with your petty travel complaint. I lost my toy plane Christmas present!

Paul tries to console Brad, but nothing seems to work. Standing nearby, watching, are Neil, Paul and Andrew.

Paul: Gee that Brad isn’t coping well with losing his plane is he?

Andrew: It was a pretty special toy though.

Paul: I lost my toy present as well. But I bought myself a new toy earlier in the year, so I’m not really worried. Brad should’ve done the same thing.

Neil: He did, but it’s not as good as the one he lost.

There’s a knock at the door.

Sheens: Can I come in?

Everyone: NO!

Woodwork Class (2012)

In today’s woodwork class, you’ll be building a pencil case. I have given you all instructions to follow. Up the front here are the wood and tools, so when you’re ready, let’s get started!

*All the kids rush up the front and frantically gather all the tools and supplies they need, before heading back to their bench*

It looks like you’ve made a good start here Steven.

Price: Thanks. I made one of these a few years ago, it was really easy. Wayne showed me how it was done.

Speaking of Wayne, how are you doing there?

Bennett: I forgot.

Forgot what?

Bennett: How to build this thing. I know there’s wood involved and some other stuff. It was all so clear to me before class started, but now … I just don’t know …

Where are the instructions I gave you?

Bennett: I just don’t know.
Smith: Why don’t you get your fatty friend to buy you some new instructions?

Brian, that’s not very nice. Now let’s have a look at your progress.

Smith: I’ve finished! See, it flies really well too!

Brian, you are supposed to make a pencil case, not a paper aeroplane!

Smith: Ohhhhh! I was wondering why everyone else was doing it wrong.

Focus Brian. Now, what’s all this fuss over here?

Hasler: Nothing
McLennan: BULL! You stole my stuff!
Hasler: No I didn’t.
McLennan: Well someone did, and you’re the only one who’s finished already!

I must say Des, that is a magnificent pencil case you’ve made there, easily the best I’ve ever seen.

Hasler: No it isn’t. Craig’s is better
Bellamy: No way!
Bennett: Dessies is easily the best. Teachers pet!

Okay boys that’ll do, now how is ……
*interrupted by a loud outburst*

Kearney: I can’t do this, it’s too hard! I’m going home! *storms out crying*

Oh dear, what dramatics! Now what’s going on here, why haven’t you boys started building yet? Geoff?

Toovey: My mum says I’m not allowed to use the saw, but my dad says if I don’t I’ll be a sissy.

I’ll have a word with your parents. Now Neil, what are you doing? Why aren’t you building?

Henry: I’m just cleaning up these bits of wood so that they match the other pieces. This one gave me a splinter, this other one had a crack in it, and this one was just old and needed cleaning.

Okay, but don’t waste too much time doing that. Now Ivan, why are you eating?

Cleary: I swapped my wood with Shane in exchange for his sandwich.

How are you going to make a pencil case with a half-eaten sandwich?

Cleary: Oh … err … um … I didn’t think about that.

And John, where are all your supplies and tools?

Cartwright: I couldn’t get any.

Why not? There’s plenty there.

Cartwright: Daddy said he can’t afford it.

Oh I see. And Anthony, you haven’t made a start yet either, what are you doing?

Griffin: *speaking to himself while looking under the bench* … it was here last class …

Anthony!

Griffin: Sorry! I’ve lost my hammer. I had it here last lesson. I can’t nail it all together without it.

Furner: Oh Fiddlesticks!

What’s the matter David?

Furner: I’ve accidentally glued my nose to the hammer and I’ve nailed my hand to the saw handle.

WHAT?! How did you even get glue on your hammer?

Furner: I think Tim did it. He said he was trying something different. An honest mistake I’m sure.

Tim, what is the meaning of this?

Sheens: Ah yes, I was trying to use the hammer to close the glue bottle. Had a bit of an oops.

I’d say! Now what is this that you’ve built?

Sheens: It’s a pencil case. Obviously, there’s been some issues. Shane took some of my pieces …
Flanagan: No I didn’t! I asked if you wanted them and you said ‘no’.
Price: He said the thing to me too, and then snatched the piece back after he said I could have it.

Ok boys, settle. Tim, what are you doing?

Sheens: Well I’m trying to staple this bit of glue onto this sticky tape here and I reckon that’ll hold it all together.

What’s wrong with following the instructions?

Sheens: I don’t need instructions.

Okay. Shane, I see you’ve finished. It’s a bit motley, but still looks very good.

Flanagan: Thanks
Monaghan: Mines better than everyone’s.
Toovey: It’s not better than Dessies
Hasler: Yes it is!

The Camping Trip (2008)

“Okay boys, have you all got your bags packed? It’s time to go!”

Cartwright: I don’t wanna go!
Cleary: Neither do I, I hate leaving home!

“Come on boys, it’ll be fun. You have fun at home all the time, it’ll be just the same on the camping trip”

Stuart: Yeah come on you two, stop whinging and get on the bus!
Hasler: WHO F***ING DIED AND MADE YOU F***ING BOSS!
Stuart: Stop whinging.
Hasler: I’M NOT F***ING WHINGING. YOU ARE!
Stuart: Dessie’s picking on me!

“Okay you two that’s enough. All the bags are here except one. Where’s Jason?”

Taylor: Down here.

“Oh there you are. Okay everyone on the bus! Let’s go!”

The bus arrives at the camp site and the boys put up their tents.

“Who’s crying? Tim what’s the matter”

Sheens: I’ve got all the pieces in their right spots, but it just won’t work!

“Let’s have a look here. Okay Tim, the most important piece here is the centre pole. Where is it?”

Sheens: It’s there!

“Tim that’s a shoe, why would you use a shoe when you have a perfectly good centre pole right there”

Sheens: I like that shoe.

“Tim, use the pole you have and stop throwing tantrums. Now what’s going on over here Steve?”

Folkes: I’m buying Ricky’s bent tent peg.

“Why do you want a bent tent peg?”

Folkes: Well I don’t have any good tent pegs to use, so I’m buying bent ones. If you know anyone with some spare pegs lying around that they don’t need, let them know I’ll pay good money for them.”

“Okay Steve, I’ll keep that in mind. Jason, what’s happening here buddy? Everyone elses tents are almost up except yours.”

Taylor: It keeps falling down

“Let’s have a look here. Jason, you have a heap of pieces but none them are from the same set and all these poles and pegs are rusty. Why didn’t you buy a new tent set?”

Taylor: I thought this one was new.

“Unfortunately not. You’ll have to share with someone else. Graham, can Jason share your tent?”

Murray: I just got kicked out of my tent.

“Kicked out! Well where are you going to sleep?”

Murray: I was going to share with Jason.

“Oh dear, this is not good, unfortunately there isn’t a spare tent, you two will have to sleep on the bus tonight. Wayne, what are you doing?”

Bennett: I’m bored with my tent, I want Nathan’s.

“But your tent is the best tent here, Nathan’s isn’t very good at all, why would you want his?”

Brown: He can have it, I don’t mind.

“But where are you going to sleep Nathan?”

Brown: I don’t know, I’m just happy to have had the tent and to get the chance to be here.

“Well that’s nice Nathan, but you still have nowhere to sleep.”

Brown: Maybe I can sleep in Wayne’s tent.
Bennett: No you can’t.
Brown: Well why not, you’ll be sleeping in my tent.
Bennett: No I won’t. I’ll be renovating your tent so that it becomes my old tent.
Brown: Well I’ll go and sleep under the bus until someone offers me a tent, or a jacket.

“Neil, what are you doing? You haven’t finished putting up your tent.”

Henry: I’m going to sleep in Graham’s tent. He’s not using it anymore.

“What are going to do with your tent?”

Henry: Don’t care, I like this tent better. Can I stay here?

“You should sleep in the tent you brought”

Henry: I don’t like it anymore.

“Well okay then. Brian, Michael why are you fighting?”

Hagan: He’s trying to get stuff out of my tent.
Smith: It used to be my tent, it still has some of my things in it.
Hagan: Your tent used to be mine too remember.
Smith: No it didn’t, it’s always been mine, you just borrowed it
Hagan: I hate you!
Smith: I hate you too!

Fighting breaks out between Brian and Michael. Craig comes over and puts Brian in a chicken-wing hold and he stops fighting.

“Thank you Craig. You can let him go now. Brad why are you smiling? Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Fittler: Jason doesn’t have a tent ha-ha!

“That’s not very nice Brad”

Fittler: Steve doesn’t have any tent pegs either, I took them from him ha-ha!

“You took Steve’s tent pegs? Are you going to give them back?”

Fittler: Nup. Ha-ha!

“You boys are a bloody handful!”

Golf Day (2011)

Thank you for all coming boys. Today we will be playing golf. The player with the lowest score wins.

Anthony: Oh good!
Kevin: Someone took my favourite club.

Surely you have other clubs to use?

Kevin: Yeah I guess.
David: I don’t like golf. I don’t want to play

Why? What’s wrong David?

David: My cat died, I’m too sad to play

You have more cats though don’t you?

David: I have 17 other cats, but this cat was my favourite.
Des: Oh shut up, you’re always sooking! WHY CAN’T ANYONE BE HAPPY FOR A DAMN CHANGE!!

Calm down Dessie. Where’s your clubs?

Des: oh…uuummm, they broke. I was having a practice and they broke when I put them in the bag.

How could they break?

Des: The wind.

Riiight.
Tim, what’s wrong with you? Are you okay?

Tim: I hurt my foot…

How did…

Tim: ...and my hand. Some of my clubs are broken too.

Are you okay to play? How did your clubs get broken?

Tim: Yeah, I’ll be fine. I have some spare clubs from the back of the shed. Some are left handed and some are right handed, but they should all work

You’re a trooper Tim.
Where’s Wayne?

Wayne: Over here. Just organising my caddie

A caddie?

Wayne: Yeah, Nathan insisted. He even has a golf cart for me to use.

You’re not using a golf cart, or a caddie.

Wayne: But I’m so much better than everyone else. Surely I can get some sort of privileges?

Sorry Wayne, you don’t.
Has anyone finished a hole yet?

Craig: I have, I scored a 2.

On a par 5? That’s impressive Craig, well done

Stephen: He cheated! I saw him hit the ball 9 times! It’s not fair! I only have one good club and he has a bag full.
Craig: No I don’t. All my clubs are average

Craig, you do appear to have too many good clubs. Give some of them to the other players

Craig: Here you go John; you can have my Big Bertha oversize driver. It’s the best club
John: WOOOOOW! I’m going to win today!

Matt, why haven’t you hit your ball yet?

Matt: I just can’t seem to pick the slippery bugger up! Does anyone have a ball that isn’t slippery?

Come on Matt, concentrate, it’s really not that hard.

Matt: But it is, it really truly is! I have no idea how you guys do this.

Now Neil, how are you going? You weren’t very good last year.

Neil: This game is sooo easy, it’s been years since I played this well! I got one of Craig’s old clubs and it’s working a treat.

That’s great news! Glad to hear you are enjoying yourself

David: Wish I could enjoy myself.

Stuart, how are you going?

Stuart: Okay, I’ve had 3 eagle puts in a row, but every time I had to use the putter, I’ve hit the ball another 4 times and it ruins my score. I think Craig tampered with my clubs, and the course, and ….

Okay, that’s enough of that. I haven’t heard from Brian or Ivan yet. Where are they?

Anthony: Brian was around the back of the clubhouse

What is he doing there. I better go find him.
Brian! What are you doing?

Brian: I was thirsty, so I wanted a drink.

You can do that with the rest of us

Brian: Yeah but then I needed to go to the toilet, but I couldn’t find it.

It’s out the front with a ‘TOILET’ sign on it.
Are you drinking red cordial?

Brian: No! It’s blackcurrant juice.

That’s red cordial! Did you tip that out here hoping I wouldn’t see?

Brian: No, that’s where I went to the toilet.

Right, you’re going back on the bus! Oh stop crying!

Brian: *sobbing*I’m not crying, I’m relaxed and happy. *sniff*

Ivan, what are doing? Why aren’t you on the course?

Ivan: I can’t play without Stacey

You have most of Stephen’s clubs, surely you can do something with them.

Ivan: They don’t work, they’re all duds

Just have a go. I’ll be there shortly.
Carty? Why are you still on the bus?

Carty: There was some young hoodlum down there and he scared me. Young people scare me.

Oh.
I see you have Kevin’s favourite club, can you give it back to him?

Carty: No, I’m keeping it.

Why do you lot take something easy and make it complicated?

Hiking Trip (2009)

Okay boys, today we will be climbing to the top of Mount Premiership. You should all have your navigation equipment, appropriate clothing and food packed. So lets go!

After an hour there are some boys missing from the group.

Where’s Jason?
Bellamy: Don’t know, don’t care
Now Craig that’s not very nice. (Mobile phone rings)
“Hello?”
Taylor: Hello, it’s Jason
“Jason, where are you?”
Taylor: I got lost.
“There’s only one track, and it has hand rails all the way, how could you get lost? Where are you?”
Taylor:I don’t know, it looks like a dark room
Hasler: The idiot went to the cellar last night to get some food, he hasn’t come out yet. Damnit there’s always someone stuffing up my plans!
Settle down Des. We’ll wait here until Jason catches up. Where’s Tim?
Taylor: He’s just outside, he’s hungry.
“Well he has some crackers, why doesn’t he eat them?”
Taylor: Because they’ve gone stale.
Sheens (in background): My bag is stuck on the cellar door, I can’t unhook it!
“You two, stay there, we’ll be back in a few hours time”
WAYNE! What did you just do to that lizard!
Bennett: I gave it CPR, poos thing looked like it had been struggling to survive for quite a while. It’s come back to life now.
That is truly remarkable.
Furner: I agree, I wish I could do that.
Who are you?
Furner: I’m David, don’t you remember?
I just haven’t seen you around Donald, have you done anything I would remember?
Furner: It’s David. On the bus here when you were doing a roll call, I poked my tongue out.
Ohhhh! Now I recall yes. Danny, have you seen John or Ivan?
Furner: They are way up there with Neil. My name is David, not Danny or Donald.
Sorry about that Damien. I had no idea they’d got away so quickly, Neil was back here just a few moments ago. Ricky, where did you just come from?
Stuart: I kinda went off course a little bit, I didn’t know which way we had to go.
We’re going north Ricky, where’s your compass?
Stuart:I don’t have one.
Why not? We’re going hiking, it is imperative that everyone has a compass.
Stuart: I couldn’t afford one.
Well stay with the group closely please. Hey, who are you?
Furner: I’m DAVID!
No not you.
Moore: He’s my friend.
You weren’t allowed to bring anyone else.
Moore: Sorry, I thought it would be okay, what difference does one extra person make?
It’s one extra person we hadn’t catered for.
Moore: Well Henjak didn’t come on the hike, so it makes no difference.
Why, where is he?
Moore: He’s sick, he couldn’t be here.
Bellamy: Oink Oink (giggles)
Moore: That’s not very nice, it’s your fault he got sick in the first place.

Another half hour passes, but an accident has seen the trek come to another halt.

Are you ok Brian?
Smith: I’m fine, just a bit gidley
Pardon?
Smith: Gidley, you know, dizzy, light headed.
Oh okay. Well just take a breather under this tree here. Where’s Brad?
Fittler: I’m up here (Sitting on a branch up in the tree)
Get down from there Brad, this is not a time for tom foolery.

Fittler starts to climb back down but slips and falls all the way down to the ground.

Fittler: Owww, that hurts!
Hasler: Stop your complaining you stupid idiot!
Anderson: Stop fighting! I’ve had enough of the fighting!
Come on boys, settle down. Let’s all sit down and have some lunch.

Henry catches up to the group and stops to rest with the others.

Neil, where have you been?
Henry: Walking along the track.
But you were right up front with John just an hour ago.
Cleary: His shoe come off.
Why didn’t you help him?
Cleary and Cartwright: (Both shrug shoulders) Dunno.
What about you Matt, why didn’t you help him?
Elliott: No one ever bothers to help me, why should I help?
That’s hardly the right attitude to have Matt.
Hasler: Yeah Matt, wake up to yourself you inconsiderate moron! I hate people like you! I HATE YOU!
Des, Calm Down!
Stuart: I wish I could afford to hate someone.
Fittler: I’m in pain here and in need of help, can someone please help me!
Everyone: Shut up!

A Little Chat With The Headmaster (2008)

The two boys trudge up the hallway to meet their destiny, heads bowed, shoulders slumped. For one of the boys, he’s used to this walk and isn’t very concerned. For the other boy, he’s only had to do this walk a few times, and while it’s still a nerve racking expedition, he’s beginning to enjoy the rise in his profile due to his slowly increasing notoriety.

As their slowly shuffling feet carry them closer to the door, the boys raise their heads, sigh and open the door marked “Headmaster.”

“Ah yes, you two again. William, you have been coming in here on a regular basis. What have you done this time?”

“I didn’t do anything, he started it!”

“Son, is this true? Did you start the fight?”

“No, he did, he lied to me!”

“What did he lie about?”

“He said if I stayed his friend he would let me use his bike. But he never let me use it. It’s not fair, he lied!”

“Calm down son. Is this true William?”

“Nuh. He’s just being a sook.”

“Well can your friend use the bike now William?”

“Nuh.”

“And why not?”

“Because I sold it. I didn’t like it anymore, the chain kept falling off. It was crap.”

“Well that’s fair enough. Is that what this fight was about son?”

“He also teased me.”

“What did he say son?”

“He picked on me because he gets more pocket money than me.”

“Well that’s not really William’s fault. You should be happy you get pocket money. I remember when I was a boy your age; I never got any pocket money.”

“But I want more pocket money. It’s not fair!”

“Have you asked your parents?”

“Yes, they don’t want to give me any more, they said I get heaps of pocket money now.”

“So you think these silly little things are a good enough reason to have a fight with your friend?”

“He’s not my friend anymore, he’s a smelly liar!”

The boy turns to William and pokes out his tongue then says:

“Liar Liar pants on fire!”

“I’m not a liar!”

“Well William, you did put Craig’s name on your assignment a few years ago. You also said you were sick one day so that you didn’t have to come to school and get punished. You do have a bit of a reputation.”

“I never did those.”

“LIAR LAIR PANT’S ON FIRE!”

The boys jump out of their seats and start fighting again. The Headmaster gets out from behind his desk and breaks them up. He hands down the punishment to the boys. They are ordered to pick up rubbish in the playground.

After an hour passes, the boys have been sent back to the Headmasters office.

“Okay, I’ve just had more reports of bad behaviour by you two. Firstly, William, I heard you were picking on the boys upstairs, calling them names. Is this true?”

“They started it!”

“Calling people names for no reason is not a smart thing to do William. Now you son, I heard you were doing something very bad in the girls toilets. Care to explain what happened?”

“Candice started it!”

“You could’ve said no son. That sort of behaviour will not be tolerated at this school. Now considering what has transpired today, I have no other real option but to call your parents to come and collect you. You’re both suspended for two weeks!”

The boys looked up, astonished. Never before have they been suspended. William had been close on a few occasions, but neither had been suspended. They sat in fear, before being ushered out of the headmaster’s office by the secretary.

As they silently shuffled down the hallway in shock, to collect their bags, prior to being picked up by their parents, they passed another student. Luke was on his way to the Headmasters office.

Luke walks in, brimming with confidence.

“Hello, sir”

“Hello Luke, how can I help you?”

“I don’t want to go to the public school now. Can I stay here?”

“But Luke, your parents have already done all the paperwork.”

“Yes, I know, I’m sorry about this, but I had a look at that school and it doesn’t look very good. I don’t want to go there.”

“Well okay then, I’ll see what I can do. Is there anything else?”

“Yeah, I think my friend wants to do the same as well.”

“It’s just one of those days!”

The Camping Trip (2008)

“Okay boys, have you all got your bags packed? It’s time to go!”

Cartwright: I don’t wanna go!
Cleary: Neither do I, I hate leaving home!

“Come on boys, it’ll be fun. You have fun at home all the time, it’ll be just the same on the camping trip”

Stuart: Yeah come on you two, stop whinging and get on the bus!
Hasler: WHO F***ING DIED AND MADE YOU F***ING BOSS!
Stuart: Stop whinging.
Hasler: I’M NOT F***ING WHINGING. YOU ARE!
Stuart: Dessie’s picking on me!

“Okay you two that’s enough. All the bags are here except one. Where’s Jason?”

Taylor: Down here.

“Oh there you are. Okay everyone on the bus! Let’s go!”

The bus arrives at the camp site and the boys put up their tents.

“Who’s crying? Tim what’s the matter”

Sheens: I’ve got all the pieces in their right spots, but it just won’t work!

“Let’s have a look here. Okay Tim, the most important piece here is the centre pole. Where is it?”

Sheens: It’s there!

“Tim that’s a shoe, why would you use a shoe when you have a perfectly good centre pole right there”

Sheens: I like that shoe.

“Tim, use the pole you have and stop throwing tantrums. Now what’s going on over here Steve?”

Folkes: I’m buying Ricky’s bent tent peg.

“Why do you want a bent tent peg?”

Folkes: Well I don’t have any good tent pegs to use, so I’m buying bent ones. If you know anyone with some spare pegs lying around that they don’t need, let them know I’ll pay good money for them.”

“Okay Steve, I’ll keep that in mind. Jason, what’s happening here buddy? Everyone elses tents are almost up except yours.”

Taylor: It keeps falling down

“Let’s have a look here. Jason, you have a heap of pieces but none them are from the same set and all these poles and pegs are rusty. Why didn’t you buy a new tent set?”

Taylor: I thought this one was new.

“Unfortunately not. You’ll have to share with someone else. Graham, can Jason share your tent?”

Murray: I just got kicked out of my tent.

“Kicked out! Well where are you going to sleep?”

Murray: I was going to share with Jason.

“Oh dear, this is not good, unfortunately there isn’t a spare tent, you two will have to sleep on the bus tonight. Wayne, what are you doing?”

Bennett: I’m bored with my tent, I want Nathan’s.

“But your tent is the best tent here, Nathan’s isn’t very good at all, why would you want his?”

Brown: He can have it, I don’t mind.

“But where are you going to sleep Nathan?”

Brown: I don’t know, I’m just happy to have had the tent and to get the chance to be here.

“Well that’s nice Nathan, but you still have nowhere to sleep.”

Brown: Maybe I can sleep in Wayne’s tent.
Bennett: No you can’t.
Brown: Well why not, you’ll be sleeping in my tent.
Bennett: No I won’t. I’ll be renovating your tent so that it becomes my old tent.
Brown: Well I’ll go and sleep under the bus until someone offers me a tent, or a jacket.

“Neil, what are you doing? You haven’t finished putting up your tent.”

Henry: I’m going to sleep in Graham’s tent. He’s not using it anymore.

“What are going to do with your tent?”

Henry: Don’t care, I like this tent better. Can I stay here?

“You should sleep in the tent you brought”

Henry: I don’t like it anymore.

“Well okay then. Brian, Michael why are you fighting?”

Hagan: He’s trying to get stuff out of my tent.
Smith: It used to be my tent, it still has some of my things in it.
Hagan: Your tent used to be mine too remember.
Smith: No it didn’t, it’s always been mine, you just borrowed it
Hagan: I hate you!
Smith: I hate you too!

Fighting breaks out between Brian and Michael. Craig comes over and puts Brian in a chicken-wing hold and he stops fighting.

“Thank you Craig. You can let him go now. Brad why are you smiling? Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Fittler: Jason doesn’t have a tent ha-ha!

“That’s not very nice Brad”

Fittler: Steve doesn’t have any tent pegs either, I took them from him ha-ha!

“You took Steve’s tent pegs? Are you going to give them back?”

Fittler: Nup. Ha-ha!

“You boys are a bloody handful!”

Roll Call (2007)

Teacher: Welcome to school everyone. Time for the roll call. First up, Anderson?
Anderson: Am I still here?
Teacher: Pardon?
Anderson: I’m not really here am I? I’m sure I sold my spot in this class.
Teacher: Who did you sell it to?
Anderson: Whoever was interested. I didn’t want it. I like selling things.
Teacher: How much did you sell it for?
Anderson: Who cares? The main thing is I sold it.
Teacher: Fair enough. Bellamy? Oh there you are, right up the front here as usual.
Bellamy: I did all of my homework sir
Teacher: That’s very good.
Bellamy: I also did all of my assignments for the year sir.
Teacher: Stop gloating, we all know you’re perfect. Next, Bennett?
Bennett: Mumble
Teacher: Was that Wayne?
Bennett: Maybe it was.
Teacher: I’ll take that as a yes. Brown? Where is Nathan Brown? Oh I see, he’s still in the sick bay. Cartwright? Where did he go?
Cartwright: Here I am, I was up the front there, but Hasler took my seat. Can I have it back now?
Hasler: No, get your own.
Cartwright: But that was my seat. I had to borrow this seat from Wayne.
Teacher: All right children, settle down.
Cartwright: I didn’t do anything.
Teacher: That explains why Hasler took your seat. Now, next is Cleary.
Cleary: Yeh, U’m stull here (holds up crossed fingers).
Teacher: You’re not from New Zealand, what’s with the accent?
Cleary: Ah need to kip on the good side of the fins and the minigmint over here.
Teacher: I don’t even know what you said then.
Cleary: I must be getting good at this kiwi accent.
Teacher: I got that though, needs more work Ivan. Next is Elliott?
Elliott: I’m there, I mean where. Oh sorry, I mean here. Next week I may be there though.
Teacher: Where?
Elliott: Who?
Teacher: What?
Elliott: Huh?
Teacher: Never mind. Folkes?
Folkes: I think I’m still here, I haven’t heard anything otherwise yet.
Teacher: I thought the principal was going to expel you after that incident with his cheque book and his daughter?
Folkes: That’s absolute nonsense. I haven’t heard of anything about that at all.
I can’t understand why people start ridiculous rumours like this for.
Teacher: Sorry. Hagan?
Hagan: Here.
Teacher: What are you doing sitting up here? Usually you sit over there behind that baby Kangaroo doll of yours. Where has that gone?
Hagan: I broke it.
Teacher: Oh ok. You need to be more careful with your favourite toys.
Hagan: I know, I got a new one and already it has a big crack on the bottom of it.
Teacher: (shakes head) Okay, is Hasler here?
Hasler: (Raises hand) here here here here here!
Teacher: okay okay, I got you Dessie. Henry?
Classroom: Who is he?
Henry: (in a very quiet voice) Here.
Teacher: (looks around room) Did anyone here that?
Classroom: I didn’t hear anything.
Henry: (In a less quiet voice) Here!
Teacher: Oh there you are, you’re a quiet little fella aren’t you?
Henry: Leave me alone please.
Teacher: Okay. Next, lets see, Murray?
Murray: I’m here….and here….I wish I wasn’t over here though, can I just stay over there?
Teacher: Yes, that’s fine. Okay next, Sheens?
Sheens: (throws a duster at the teacher) I’m not here (laughs)
Teacher: Where are you then Tim?
Sheens: (points at Bennett) that’s Sheens (giggles)
Teacher: No Tim, that’s Wayne.
Sheens: I farted (giggles again)
Teacher: At least you’re having fun. Smith? (Teacher looks up) Smith, get out from behind that cupboard.
Smith: Okay.
Teacher: Alright. Stuart?
Smith: Can I go back there now?
Teacher: Pardon?
Smith: Can I go back behind the cupboard? I don’t want people to see me.
Teacher: Oh alright. Stuart, are you here?
Stuart: I’m here!
Teacher: Oh so you are, been a while since I saw you this close to the front of the classroom. Taylor? Is that you behind that cupboard with Smith?
Taylor: No.
Teacher: Get out from there.
Taylor: I’m not in the room at all.
Teacher: You were here two months ago.
Taylor: I’m not here anymore. I’ll let you know when I’m back.
Teacher: But I know you’re there. What are you doing behind there with Smith?
Taylor: We’re discussing tactics.
Teacher: What sort of tactics?
Taylor: How to disappear most effectively.
Teacher: You’re going to need a bigger cupboard to hide behind to start with.
Smith: That’s a good idea, write that down Jason.