Sunday, 7 August 2011

An Idiots Guide To Supporting Your Team (2005)


1- Getting Started
1.1 - Setting up
1.2 - What should I wear
1.3 - I’m ready to go, now what do I do?

2- At the Game
2.1 - Getting through those turnstile things
2.2 - Finding your seat
2.3 - Locating the food vendor and toilets
2.4 - Paying for food and drink.

3- During the Game
3.1 - What should I yell out?
3.2 - When is it best to call players “wankers”?
3.3 - Starting riots
3.4 - Swearing
3.5 - Leaving the ground

Chapter 1 - Getting Started

1.1 - Setting Up

So you’ve decided to attend a game of Rugby League. First, you must ensure that you know what team you support and where they are playing for the game you wish to attend. Once these details have been confirmed, it’s time for you to prepare yourself for the journey that lies ahead.

1.2 - What Should I Wear?

Apparel that works in unison with other like-minded supporters is a very common and traditional place to start. Be it a scarf, a polo shirt, or wearing the prized team jumper, all will be acceptable and see you fit in perfectly.

1.3 - I’m Ready To Go, Now What Do I Do?

Well, you know where and when your team is playing, all you have to do is get to the ground before the designated time it is due to start. If using public transport, allow an extra hour in your trip to get there, as it is reliably unreliable. If driving or other, then you will require knowledge of streets and road skills. Maps and common sense are your friends here.

Chapter 2 - At The Game

2.1 - Getting Through Those Turnstile Things

For men, the turnstile can be a painful enemy, what with those large steel things spinning around at groin level. Timing and patience is required to move through these devices pain free. Make sure it has stopped moving first, with a hand over your man area, be sure to move hurriedly through, but not too fast, or you could end up catching clothing or even tripping.

2.2 - Finding Your Seat

Now the fun begins! Your ticket has a seat number on it. It is your duty to walk along mindlessly, looking for any signs that will assist you in your quest for one chair amongst 20,000. Be sure to avoid the area you want to sit in, as it is the one place that your seat won’t be.

2.3 - Locating The Food Vendor And Toilets

You are going to get hungry and thirsty, so it’s important to note where the food and drink is situated in relation to your obscured seat. Toilets are easy to find, they are generally in front of a queue of a hundred men holding their groins.

2.4 - Paying For Food And Drink

This is done quite simply, either with credit card or cheque, because there’s no way you would bring THAT much cash to a game of footy.

Chapter 3 - During The Game

3.1 – What Should I Yell Out?

Originality is the key. If you can’t think of anything witty and scathing, just say something that you heard someone else say. Be sure to yell as loudly as possible. You want everyone to hear you.

3.2 - When Is It Best To Call Players “Wankers”?

Wait until a player makes a mistake. Everyone will be calling it out at once if you’re uncertain. Join in and you shan’t be lead astray.

3.3 - Starting Riots

When a decision has cost your team the match, and all your efforts (getting to the game, through the turnstile, paying for food and making it to the toilet) have been for nought, that’s when your frustration should be unleashed on the nearest rival fan.

3.4 - Swearing

Be sure to mix and match all four lettered expletives with each other as frequently as possible. Anything is acceptable, and at any time.

3.5 – Leaving The Ground

With any luck your rioting, swearing, abuse at food vendors for their exorbitant prices, violence displayed in the toilet queue, should be enough to have security escort you from the ground. Make as much commotion as possible; this will draw attention to you, making you more important to the fans than the game.

Vow to security that you will never to do it again.

Then do it all again next week.

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