Art Or Rugby League (2007)

One of the most openly and frequently debated topics in today’s modern culture, if you ignore all the other more openly and more frequently debated topics, is that on which is more important to today’s modern cultural society. Art or Rugby League?

Now while some may, in some stupidly incomprehensible way, state that Rugby League is an art, whilst others with no real opinion but intentionally decide to be different, will say Art is Rugby League, I am here to say that Art is crap and Rugby League shouldn’t be deemed as more important than art, it should be deemed a necessity for today’s culture and art should be abolished.

That being said, it’s fairly obvious that art is not even the equal to Rugby League. Therefore, art shall be abolished. Here within is how this shall be achieved.

We should start with art museums, with all those paintings in them. The Michelangelo hall shall be renamed the Minichiello hall. The Dali section to be replaced by the Daley section; Da Vinci replaced by Davico, Picasso replaced by Piccinelli, Monet replaced by Meninga, even Donatello to be replaced by Donato. This would be the first step in eradicating that waste of time and space known as art and bringing a much more viable cultural necessity to the forefront, Rugby League.

Next step is to replace all those crappy paintings with action photographs of the respective players in full flight. Instead of Jackson Pollock’s “Blue Poles”, we’ll have Jason Taylor’s “Busted Snoz”, which is a collation of pictures resembling Pollock’s work, instead of splattered paint though, there will be Taylor’s splattered nose.

The “Mona Lisa” would be replaced by the “Moaning Woolford”, the “Vitruvian Male” would be replaced by the “Vautin Male”, the “Last Supper” painting of the twelve apostles with Jesus would be redesigned, so that Jesus would become Messenger and the twelve apostles would be Churchill, Raper, Langlands, Beetson, Lewis, Meninga, Gasnier, Irvine, Burge, Brown, Johns and Fittler.

Now that we have the painting side of art corrected and abolished, the next section is the relatively annoying art of mime. Marcel Marceau is to be shot and replaced by no other than Martin Masella, who will conduct mimes of Rugby League’s greatest moments.

Next art style to abolish is music. Air waves on radio will have all music destroyed and replaced by the commentary highlights from the golden vocals of Ray Warren, Darryl Eastlake, Warren Boland, Warren Ryan, Ray Hadley and that guy who used to commentate games on Channel Ten back at the start of the nineties.

Finally, we have film and Television. This is the easiest to rectify. All programs will be cancelled and we will have rugby league screened on Television every single minute of every single day. Every game ever televised in the world will be replayed in perfect chronological order, along with live games where possible. Pay TV will be completely disbanded. There will be a half hour ogling program after every game, which will just be a replayed telecast of the cheer girl action from the previous game, just for a bit of variety.

Speaking of cheer girls, they will no longer dance to music; they will dance to the aforementioned golden voices of commentary, calling some of the more exciting moments of the current game.

Any country that doesn’t see Rugby League as the great game it is and dare try to recognise some other ‘sport’ as being better, they will have their country bombed, from about twenty out on the last tackle.

While I’m getting carried away here, the chief of police will be sacked and replaced with Bill Harrigan. When people are in court and a decision is to be made, instead of going to the jury, Harrigan will be made to go to the video ref.

A very black and white case there, Rugby League wins, hands down. Art has also proven that is very easily replaced by Rugby League and any human with a correctly functioning brain will see absolutely no problems with the decisions to be implemented which I have suggested here.

Scrap The Louvre, rename it The League.

Dismantle the Statue of Liberty, replace it with The Gladiators.

Change the Pyramids, to stone carvings of scrums.

Mount Rushmore? Change those heads to the faces of Churchill, Raper, Gasnier, Langlands and Messenger.

This can only be a good thing for mankind.