Sunday, 7 August 2011

The NRL Cinema (2005)

The NRL Big Screen Plaza Cinema House Pty Ltd, which is located in one extremely inconvenient location in Humula, in Southern NSW, has released this list of movies to hit Australia this winter.

So here for your delight in a cinema nowhere near you, are the following movies:

Mission Impossible 3

Shaun McRae stars in this action packed blockbuster through the streets of Redfern, where he is the one man who has to take a group of talentless and uncoordinated nobodies into the heart of Sydney in an attempt to recover the sacred NRL Premiership Trophy that has been missing from their trophy cabinet for 34 years. A highly entertaining movie with absolutely no guns at all.

Dumb and Dumber and Dumberer and Even Dumbererer

Starring the accountant from the Canterbury Bulldogs Rugby League club along with special cameos from the auditors and a henchman from Germany called Klaus. The cash strapped Bulldogs Club were caught exceeding the salary cap in 2002, three years later they are caught once again. This hilarious romp through bank records and player payments never lets up for a minute.

Terminator 4: Execution

This movie is a non-stop action packed drama with incredible stunts and unbelievable special effects. John Hopoate is a moron sent forward in time to take out Rugby League players with “accidental” manouvers. The Manly league board controls his destiny in League, but can they contain his destruction and maiming of innocent lives outside of it?

The Replacements 2

The much awaited sequel to the American classic, starring Tim Sheens as coach of a group of young footballers who have to try and compete in the toughest competition in the world. With a large group of fans expecting them to become the clubs saviours, the young men have to overcome the pressures and rigours of first grade football. Don’t prepare yourself for the traditional fairytale ending.

Analyze This and That

A successful first grade footballer is sent to a psychiatrist to try and determine what truly is wrong with him. This movie switches between funny to sad to downright confusing at an unpredictable pace. Starring Willie Mason with Anthony Mundine as the psychiatrist and cameo appearances by Anthony Minichiello, Craig Fitzgibbon, and a mobile phone.

Scream 17

A horror movie that will leave you asking questions after you’ve seen it. Steve Price stars in this, possibly the scariest movie since Don’s Party and Biodome. Price wakes up in another country surrounded by players that can’t play football at all. He tries to assimilate with this new race and not get noticed, while at the same time, planning his way back home. But he’s being watched…

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer Again

A young football prodigy is caught in a dormitory molesting a young woman. He thinks he is safe and that no one saw him, but someone did. Now his life has turned upside down and he’s all alone…

Charlies Angels 3

Our three ladies, Trent, Mark and Shaun led by Browny are made to try and bring the red dragon back from the dead. However, they have armies of much more skilled fighters to combat against. Can the ladies bring the dragon back to life, or will their efforts be foiled?

Passion Of The Christ: Return

Andrew Johns stars in this film about the rise and fall of God’s modern child. Johns become’s a modern day saviour and saint for the people of Newcastle, until suddenly he falls from the graces of his local minions and is forced from the life he once knew. Also starring Andrew Johns and narrated by Andrew Johns.

Stacey Jones’ Diary

An almost voyeuristic look into the life of one man: a footballer, who was once regarded as the best in the world, now he is a pathetic over rated hack. See into his mind and his life in one of the driest humour films of the century.

Super Duper Size Me

Much like the first movie, this movie also stars a man who was once small, but through binging on fast food, he becomes fat. Owen Craigie’s performance in this film is unbelievable and his transformation from slight framed talented footballer in a successful team to a fat talentless fruit in the worst team is truly horrifying. You just can’t help but watch this movie.

Hopefully these movies will be released on DVD before the cricket season begins, thus avoiding another long boring summer.

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