Sunday, 7 August 2011

Waldron Towers: The Auditors (2010)

A group of NRL Auditors walk into the Storm headquarters, known more famously as Waldron Towers. Brian Waldron, who had earlier been hit on the head by a rugby league fan after overhearing Waldron referring to a try as a goal, had his head swathed in bandages.

Waldron had been rushed to the hospital to be treated for concussion, but knowing the Auditors were coming today and fearing his secret player payment system might be unravelled, he escaped from the hospital and rushed back to his Waldron Towers, just in time to greet the Auditors as they arrived.

The auditors are greeted by the secretary and she ushers them in the direction of the very lavish boardroom. Waldron scurries around to intercept them, with the sole intention of dealing with them exclusively by himself.

Waldron: Hello! Please do allow me to introduce myself, I am the CEO of Waldron Towers and may I thank you for your book…your book….your booking….your booking and hope that your stay will be a brief one. Now would you like any drinks before the books…shelf is replaced, the bloody think has been wonky ever since… *thinking* ever since we signed that slightly illegal deal with IKEA. Hmmm, what? Ah yes. Would you like anything to eat, or drink perhaps?
Auditor: Thank you; we will have some coffee please.
Waldron: Oh good, please, do allow me. May I say how pleased we are to have you here, now that we are all in the one competition.

*meanwhile, out at reception, the secretary realises that Mr Waldron is still not well and that the situation may deteriorate rapidly, decides to make a distress call.*

Secretary: Can I speak to John please….yes the bookie….thank you.

*back in the board room*

Waldron: I didn’t have any interest in Rugby League myself quite honestly, but now that I’m in it I’m determined to make it work, one way or another. So I’d like to welcome you all to Melbourne. Now what would you like to drink?
Auditor 1: Can we have two flat white coffees please.
Waldron: Rugby League in Melbourne can and will be a force and there will never be any need to participate in dodgy dealings for the team here to be successful. Sorry! Sorry, what was that again?
Auditor 1: Two flat white coffee’s thanks.
Waldron: Two Brett White contracts…is something we would never have here in this establishment. The very notion is ludicrous. Sorry what was that again?
Auditor 1: Two flat white coffees thanks!
Waldron: Oh, when you said two flat white thanks, I thought you said two Brett White contracts. Oh those shoddy backroom deals of yesteryear. Yes I’d forgotten all about those. Completely slipped my mind. Spider Everett and all those poor AFL suckers I screwed over after exploiting various loop holes, oh yes, completely forgotten it, just like that. Right. Sorry what was your order again?
Auditor 1: Two flat white coffees!
Waldron: Oh yes Brett White’s settees, yes, and Inglis’ Jet Ski too, another one I can hardly remember.
Auditor 2: And a bottle of water too.
Waldron: Billy Slater’s pool, yes, yes, and Cameron Smith’s new twenty foot skiff, that’s another one.
Auditor 3: And a can of Coke.
Waldron: Certainly, I’ll go and get these drinks for you.
Secretary: Mr Waldron would you please call your bookie immediately.
Waldron: JOHN! JOHN! He’s in the finance office you silly girl.
Secretary: Yes call him there.
Waldron: I can’t! I’ve got too much to do. Listen don’t mention the other set of books. I mentioned them once but I think I got away with it all right.

*Waldron walks back to board room where the Auditors are waiting*

Waldron: So, it’s all forgotten now and let’s hear no more about it.

*reading back drinks order*

Waldron: So that’s two flat white coffee’s, Brett White’s settees and Greg Inglis’ jet ski, Billy Slater’s pool and Cooper Cronk’s new car. What a moment. I got a bit confused there. Sorry! I got a bit confused because everyone keeps mentioning shonky books. So could you…

*interrupted by an Auditor*

Waldron: What’s the matter?
Auditor 1: It’s alright
Waldron: Is there something wrong?
Auditor 2: Will you stop mentioning shonky dealings!
Waldron: Me? You started it!
Auditor 2: We did not start it
Waldron: Yes you did! You taught the Roosters how to cheat the cap and get away with it for years!

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