Tuesday, 30 August 2011

The 'Brains Trust' meets 'The Reality' (2011)

Rupert: Welcome all to this meeting for rugby league's best known writers and journalists. The purpose of today’s meeting is to work out what controversies we will be publishing in 2012

*A ringing phone interrupts Rupert*

Rupert: Excuse me *answers phone* Matt, your wife just left a message on your mobile, wants you to pick up some milk on your way home.
Logue: Hey? What the...!
Rupert: Shh. Ok, where was I? Oh yes, 2012 controversies. What stories have we all been working on?
Tsialis: I've got a great piece about Akuila Uate and the lengths he went to as a kid to get himself involved in rugby league, whether just to watch it on television, or even just to play.
Wilson: And?
Tsialis: And what?
Rupert: I think what Becky is trying to say is, on a range of one to ten on how exciting your story is, it scores a gaping wide, yawning zero.
Wilson: Was he drunk?
Tsialis: Drunk? What? No! He was seven years old!
Rupert: Was he assaulting a woman?
Tsialis: No!
Wilson: Scrap it. I've got a great piece about Todd Carney...
Rupert: Can we get someone else Becky, please? Todd's a bit worn out now, people are used to his name being synonymous with disheveled antics, we need someone new, someone untarnished.
Rothfield: How about Hindmarsh?
Wilson: Okay, Hindmarsh then. Anyways, he was out on the drink, went to the Turkish Embassy, did a poo on the doorstep while naked, used their flag to wipe his bottom, ran around with a bra on his head, punched a priest, urinated on a bus full of schoolgirls and assaulted an ageing female librarian.
Logue: Oh my God! I can’t believe Hindy would do such a thing. When did that happen?
Wilson: Happen?
Rupert: Huh?
Logue: When did Hindmarsh do all of that?
Wilson: Sorry, I’m missing your premise entirely.
Tsialis: Did this actually happen?
Rothfield: You people are idiots.
Wilson: It doesn’t matter if this happened.
Rupert: Sorry Matt, I'm not sure you understand the purpose of this meeting.
Weidler: I have a scoop!
Rothfield: What is it?
Weidler: Paul Gallen is going to be the Sharks captain in 2011.
Logue: It already is 2011 and he’s already their captain.
Weidler: Ah-ha! I was right. My mail is always right.
Tsialis: It’s not right, it’s late.
Weidler: Last time I checked Maria, late wasn’t the opposite of right.
Rothfield: All of the Dragons players are rapists. I say hang them all.
Logue: Are you sure about that?
Rothfield: Well that’s my opinion. Thus it must clearly be true.
Logue: I don't think that is good enough to be completely honest.
Rupert: No Matt, Phil is right.
Rothfield: Furthermore, Thurston is not tough enough for rep footy anymore.
Tsialis: He’s been playing great this year!
Rothfield: Yeah, but he’s soft.
Logue: How many NRL games have you played Phil?
Rothfield: Sorry, I’m missing your premise entirely.
Weidler: I just got some more news, hot off the press!
Wilson: What have you got for us Danny boy?
Weidler: Ummmmmmmm…..
Tsialis: You don’t have anything do you?
Weidler: No…yeah I do, I’m just trying to remember it. I thought up a good one.

*five minutes of silence*

Weidler: Ah-ha! I got it! Darren Lockyer will play for the Western Reds in 2011.
Rupert: Great stuff Daniel, however I think you should focus your attention on 2012.
Weidler: Oh. Right. Darren Lockyer will play for the Adelaide Rams in 2012.
Rupert: That’s better!

*Rupert gives Danny a gold star and a lollipop. Danny sits in the corner contented*

Logue: So at what stage will anyone actually speak to players about upcoming stories?
Rupert: Why would we do that?
Logue: Well that’s where the stories are, obviously.
Rupert: Sorry, I’m missing your premise entirely.
Wilson: I’m sorry Matt but I don’t think you’ve grasped this concept at all.
Logue: Well it seems to me that if we want to report the goings-on of Rugby League and its players, we should be speaking with people in Rugby League and its players.
Wilson: Is that what they are teaching you kids nowadays in journalism school?

*phone rings*

Tsialis: Excuse me; I just have to take this.
Rupert: Its ok Maria, I'll get it.

*Rupert pulls out his own phone and answers Maria’s call*

Rupert: Telemarketers, I hate those scammers! There’s nothing they won’t do to try and con me into giving them my money!

**Maria Tsialis and Matt Logue did not give permission for their names to be used in this article. I couldn't care less about whether Rothfield, Wilson and co agree to it or not - They are a bunch of fuckwits and do not deserve one iota of respect. Tsialis and Logue are true League writers and their colleagues work) shits over anything the newspapers and their scumbags 'journo's' can ever trundle out.** 

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