Sunday, 7 August 2011

Quad-Polar Schizophrenia (2011)

Every week, millions of Rugby League fans around the world spend ninety minutes of their life becoming completely mentally disturbed.

And it happens during the one event that we thirst for every day of the week, like drug addicts in the grips of some gritty smack battle.

We sit down either at the game, at the pub, or at home and focus all our sense and being to the game of Rugby League about to commence.

Sound of mind, but with a nervous, yet somewhat psychotic twitch, waiting with ironic excitement for the sound which will drive us all insane for the ensuing hour and a half.

A battle within the mind takes place, as fierce as the battle on the field, all trying to dominate the others.

Statistical: We have won 3 of the last 4 games against this mob, and haven’t lost at this venue in 7 years. We’re within the 72 to 84 percentile rate for success, going by historical data and some additional calculations
Reasonable: True, true, however the opposition have been playing well lately and have won their last 4 games, while we’ve only won half as many. They are also three positions higher on the ladder.
Angry: Who cares! I’ll never forget what these dirty cheating grubs did in 1947! I WANT BLOOD! KNOCK HIS HEAD OFF!!!
Cliché: Hold onto your glasses there fellas; don’t put the cart before the horse just yet.

Then the referee blows his whistle!

And almost simultaneously with the laces striking the pigskin, the quad-polar schizophrenia unleashes itself, unable to be contained.

Angry: HIT HIM HAAAAAARRRRD!!!! Oh you soft woman! Have a bloody go you skirt!
Cliché: We need a good defensive set here to lay the foundation and get the ball rolling in our favour early on.
Reasonable: Good start there from both sides.
Cliché: Neither side giving an inch. It’s an old fashioned slug fest!
Statistical: We’ve not had as much ball, but our completion rate is better, so we’re definitely in with a great chance.
Angry: The bloody refs have been giving us a hiding and handing the other mob easy penalties all game. This bloody game is rigged!

With almost unbelievably amazing accuracy, something ridiculous happens which gives one side the upper hand early on, be it a freakish play, individual brilliance, a lucky bounce, a cheap shot or a crazy decision by a referee.

Cliché: Oh, that mistake could come back to bite them. That try could be the turning point of this game. They’ll need to pick themselves up quick smart, or we could see a cricket score here today.
Reasonable: We were unlucky there, but the game isn’t over yet. Not many sides would have stopped that try from being scored.
Statistical: We’ve always performed better in the second half, so long as we stay in touch, we’re a real chance.
Angry: That was the most ridiculously moronic decision by the video ref there. He clearly didn’t ground the ball before going into touch. Benefit of the doubt is the dumbest rule ever! This is a damn joke!

But as so frequently happens, the game is squared up just near halftime. 37 minutes of angst, confusion, frustration, bias and unruly allegations are all forgotten.

Angry: About bloody time! This ref has been dogging us all game!
Statistical: We’ve won 12 of 17 games when the scores are level or in our favour at half time this season.
Reasonable: Both teams are playing well right now. This is going to be a great game in the second half.
Cliché: We’re all locked up again. Neither side has the upper hand. We’re in for a real tug of war in the second stanza.

The tough contest continues, until a contentious decision puts one team in front and looking at a potential hard fought victory.

Angry: Oh come on ref that’s a try! Benefit of the doubt! Come on!!
Reasonable: Gee, it’s just too hard to see if he’s grounded that. I can’t see how he possibly could have.
Angry: He’s clearly grounded that. That’s a deadest try!
Cliché: Video ref is having a few looks at this. There are players all over the shop; it looks like a car wreck, bodies everywhere. He’s awarded the try! The dog fight continues!
Statistical: We’ve scored more tries in the last twenty minutes than any other side.

The full time siren sounds, ending the game, and the psychotic trance.

For another week anyway.

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