Johns, More Than An Immortal (2007)

As we all know, Andrew Johns announced his retirement from Rugby League this week after further injuring his already fragile neck. The decision has saddened many league folk here and abroad.

The decision has also sparked discussion over whether Johns should be admitted into the Rugby League Immortals club which currently includes Clive Churchill, Reg Gasnier, Bob Fulton, Wally Lewis, Johnny Raper, Graeme Langlands and Arthur Beetson.

However, after reading a few pages of the Newcastle Herald, it seems apparent that being made an immortal is a given. Not surprisingly really.

But I don’t think the Newcastle media and public have over reacted quite enough, as per usual in regards to its own players and how great they are.

There are many other ways to greatly honour the name of Andrew Johns.

I have compiled a timeline of what needs to be done to properly honour the great Andrew Johns.

• Before the next home game for the Knights, The new grandstand at Energy Australia Stadium shall be renamed “The Andrew Johns Stand.”

• By the end of the regular season, the ground itself should be renamed to “The Andrew Johns Energy Australia Stadium.”

• Within the next 2 years, moves should be made by council to have Hunter Street renamed to Johns Street.

• Within the next 4 years, Civic Train Station shall be named “Johns Station”

• In 5 years time, a new suburb shall be created and named “Johns”

• By the year 2020, Newcastle shall be renamed “Johnscastle”

• In 2025, Andrew Johns shall be knighted Sir Andrew Johns.

Now this is where I begin over reacting more than the Novocastrians.

• For the years 2008 til 2025 Andrew Johns shall be voted “Australian of the Year.”

• From this season til eternity (or until another Newcastle player better than Andrew Johns comes along), the Dally M’s will be named the Joey J’s. The best and fairest player in a Grand Final will no longer be awarded the Clive Churchill medal; instead, it will be the Andrew Johns medal. The Golden Boot award for best player in the world will be renamed to The Johns Golden Boot.

• Andrew Johns shall be made Governer-General in 2025 after his knighting.

• The Queen shall be abdicated from her throne, along with her entire family, within 5 years after Johns becomes Governer-General.

• As King of the Commonwealth, Johns shall then be allowed to claim ownership of every country not under his rule at the time of his appointment as King.

• With Johns becoming King of the World, all Rugby Union, American Football, Soccer and AFL competitions will be ended, never to be played again. All players from these codes, and their families will be beheaded in public, so as to prevent more stupid people like these being brought into the world.

• The Earth itself will be renamed Johns.

• All religions will be annulled, all religious texts will be destroyed and all beliefs of higher Gods will be abolished. They will be replaced by the Joey DVD, which will become the holy verses. Newcastle (unfortunately) will become the holy city. Johns will overthrow all current Gods and become the new God of all Gods. The most pure and perfect being ever to grace the planet Johns, and the most perfect, powerful and pure supernatural being ever to Grace the….area that supernatural beings grace.

Hopefully all of this can be put in place prior to the year 2030, so as to do the honourable God Johns justice. Under a Johns rule, the whole world will be able to watch Rugby League and reminisce about the days when Johns was just a mere man who dazzled fellow players on the field.

Many of us will be able to say, “I remember when Johns was just a man like you and me, before his rise to Owner of the Cosmos. I saw him play.”

So, when you look at like this, it’s fairly obvious to see, through a Knight’s fans eyes, that Johns becoming an immortal in the game of Australian Rugby League isn’t an issue to debate. It’s merely the beginning of a precession of events that will promote him to his rightful place in society.

The longer we spend debating about whether he should be inducted or not is detrimental to the overall wellbeing of the planet, and eventually the universe.

So stop considering it people, it’s blatantly obvious he should be made an immortal today.

Let’s get the ball rolling!