An Interview With HRH Tim Sheens (2009)

Interviewer: Hello Mr Sheens, thanks for joining us.
Sheens: Your pleasure.
Interviewer: I beg your pardon?
Sheens: I said ‘my pleasure.’
Interviewer: I thought I heard you say something different.
Sheens: You did.
Interviewer: I did?
Sheens: No.
Interviewer: Can we start the interview?
Sheens: Sure, fire when ready.
Interviewer: Mr Sheens, people are wondering why the Tigers have been unable to obtain 25 players for their first grade squad this season.
Sheens: Hang on, I’m not ready.
Interviewer: I thought you were ready?
Sheens: I was, but for another question, not that one.
Interviewer: Well which question were you ready for?
Sheens: (Hands interviewer a piece of paper) These questions here.
Interviewer: (Reading from paper) Would you like a drink Mr Sheens?
Sheens: Great idea!
Interviewer: How is this relevant?
Sheens: Relevant? What are you talking about?
Interviewer: Well you know, appropriate matter for the issues at hand.
Sheens: There are no issues, I’m running the show, everything is going perfectly to plan.
Interviewer: But you only have a 23 man playing squad instead of 25. Are you telling me this was planned?
Sheens: Well no that bit wasn’t planned, that was just unfortunate, we couldn’t do anything to prevent that.
Interviewer: Except signing two extra players to fill the gaps.
Sheens: We’re at the cap limit, we can’t afford to sign anyone. Royce Simmons' asking price alone would be way too high.
Interviewer: How could it be too high, he hasn’t played for 18 years?
Sheens: He has played for Australia. Have you seen how much Australian Test players are worth on the open market?
Interviewer: No, how much are they worth?
Sheens: I don’t know to be honest with you, but it’d be a fair amount I’d imagine.
Interviewer: Why is it that the Tigers fail to get the full compliment of players in their first grade side, yet teams full of representative players are able to retain them and have full 25-man squads?
Sheens: You’re not reading from the piece of paper I gave you. You should be reading from that.
Interviewer: (Looks at paper) There aren’t any seriously relevant questions here. Mr Sheens, answer my question.
Sheens: Did you know we just re-signed Benji Marshall. That’s great news for us and the greater Rugby League community.
Interviewer: Yes that’s great news. May I ask you another question?
Sheens: Sure, I’m happy to answer all questions.
Interviewer: How come John Morris was signed to be a halfback, when he’s quite obviously a hooker?
Sheens: John is a great competitor, plays with a lot of heart and does a lot of great work in the community. Are you aware of the amount of time he has given to help sufferers of Motoneurone Disease? Magnificent. No-one in the history of Rugby League in the entire cosmos has ever committed themselves to assisting those with that condition. It’s a huge credit to him.
Interviewer: Yes that is amazing, but without taking anything away from John’s efforts off the field, it doesn’t answer the question.
Sheens: What question?
Interviewer: About the purpose of signing John Morris.
Sheens: He’s a great utility player and can cover several positions on the field.
Interviewer: But you initially signed him as Scott Prince’s replacement at halfback. Why has Robbie Farah, Matthew Head and now Benji Marshall all played in that position over the last season and a half?
Sheens: Again, you’re not reading from the piece of paper I gave you.
Interviewer: What is the role of Royce Simmons?
Sheens: He’s the defence coach.
Interviewer: So why do the Tigers continually have one of the worst defences in the game?
Sheens: That’s not really my area, you’ll have to talk to Simmo about that one.
Interviewer: Royce, care to explain?
Royce Simmons: Well itsh all jush a matter of tactish and technique, shum of our defensh ish shplendid in shpots and shum timesh ish shloppy. Ish jush a matter of being conshishtent whish ish our biggesh issue and hash been for a few shesons now.
Interviewer: But it’s your job to fix that surely?
Sheens: Look, Simmo isn’t responsible for what happens in a game, he’s not out there with the players.
Interviewer: So if he can’t rectify their problems, why is he still employed?
Sheens: Look, I shouldn’t have to tell you again, read from the page!
Interviewer: I can’t, it’s all wet and soggy.
Sheens: Good work Royce.