Questionnaire For Rugby League Players (2005)

TO: All National Rugby League players

RE: Education

This memo is to re-re-educate all NRL footballers in how to behave in public. What we have is a test with some simple questions. All we require is that you fill in what you think is the most correct answer. We know a lot of you have lost the ability to do a lot of simple things, such as sign your name, listen, et al, which is why this test is multiple choice only.

We remind you that this happens to be a very important test regarding your employment with the NRL, so please, answer it honestly and as best you can. Don’t be acting like a comedian with your responses, it didn’t work for Craig McLachlan and it won’t work for you.

Question 1.

If you ask a woman “Would you like to have sex with me?” and she says “No. Leave me alone you ugly moron!” what does she mean?

(a) I do not wish to fornicate with you, please do not ask me again.
(b) I’m horny, I want your sauce!
(c) I love to play chess in the Himalayas with goats.

Question 2.

What is the best procedure to ensure a memorable night with a female?

(a) Some wine, a nice meal, maybe a movie, walking on the beach, maybe a kiss at her doorstep if the moment so arises.
(b) Wake her up at 2am with a drunken phone call telling her to ‘fire up.’
(c) Taking 11 mates along to her room, trash the place, act like utter morons and molest the woman and her friends.

Question 3.

What is honesty?

(a) Telling part of an incident and blaming someone else.
(b) Lying.
(c) The truth.

Question 4.

What exactly is ADHD?

(a) An excuse to save your image.
(b) Attention Defeceit Hyperactive Disorder
(c) Anonymous Dick Head Disorder.

Question 5.

When you need to expel bodily waste, what should you do?

(a) Go to a hotel room and spray the walls with your faeces.
(b) Relieve yourself right then and there, even if it’s at a casino.
(c) Go to the toilet like any civilised human would.

Question 6.

What is your definition of a team-mate?

(a) Someone who will work with you in achieving the same goal as you.
(b) Someone who has a lot of possessions that you like, so you steal them.
(c) Someone who takes the wrap for your stupid late night phone calls.

Question 7.

What is loyalty in regards to contracts?

(a) Remaining true to those that have served you well.
(b) Whoever is throwing around the most cash.
(c) Threatening to leave your club so as to receive more money.

Question 8.

What is the correct procedure when aggravated in a match?

(a) Wait until play is on the other side of the field; run up to the person who aggravated you and king hit them when they aren’t looking.
(b) Knee them in the head while they are on the ground
(c) Be a man and ignore it and focus on the job at hand.

Question 9.

What is the best way to ensure job security once you retire from football?

(a) Became a media personality and make bigoted comments with no forethought on a regular basis
(b) Go to channel nine and act like a moron and amuse those of the lowest common denominator
(c) Go to England and play football for far too much money.

Question 10.

How should you act in public so as to get children interested in the game?

(a) Be a dignified respected ambassador of the game by being the most professional person you possibly can.
(b) Draw pictures of a penis all over a piece of paper and ruin somebody's priceless piece of memorabilia by signing someone else’s name instead of your own.
(c) If you, by any chance get named in a State of Origin squad, celebrate by getting into a pub brawl and assaulting police officers that are only trying to do their job.

The National Rugby League board will notify you within 21 working days as to whether you passed this exam. Members who failed this test will be forced to play Rugby Union.

Thank you for your time and good luck in your new Rugby Union career.

Regards.